Staying True: The Essence of Acception
by hendrixthenicecow
Summary: Watch as John and Karkat progress their way of having each other's backs, hearts, and... bodies? Yep. Bodyswaps up in here. As this happens though, they find out what real accepting is through opinions of others, limits of friendship, and the heart and soul of staying true to yourself, even if everything kinda sucks. Clearly a JohnxKarkat. I'm rating it T because I can.
1. Sleep Well, our Heroes

Not surprisingly, Karkat was angry at everything he saw. "WHY?!" he yelled, taking a swing at his respite block's fading maroon walls. He swung again, repeating the motion.  
Again. Again.  
And again, this time a decent fist-sized indent appearing brokenly in the drywall.  
He had this problem a lot, usurping his actual feelings of kindness, affection, etc. with a (not so) healthy coating of bitter, angry repulsion. And it was completely involuntary.  
But it's best told from his own point of view.  
**

* * *

You hate everything you see. The dent in the wall you cause by your own hand, your anger, and your emotions. Why did everything have to be so weird between you and John? You knew why. You hated it, though.  
He was destined to be your matesprit, you could feel it. But he had no clue what that meant.  
From expert extracting of human information, you believe the closest likeness in human terms was "lover" or "boyfriend".  
You traverse the short amount of time to get to your new sleep structure; it was apparently called a bed. It wasn't that bad, you supposed. You throw yourself onto it, black locks flying into your face, and eyes shutting to tune your sight out.  
_Egbert, I m sorry..._  
**

* * *

Oh wow. You're now John Egbert, the object of Karkat Vantas' affections, and you are stumped. Ridiculously, hilariously stumped. You lean back against the wall of the hallway you were in, the one that connected yours to the other humans; all human bedrooms were on the first floor. Your back hurts, your head aches, your mind is numb, and your lips are sore. You reach up to brush your fingertips over your mouth. Did that really just happen? Considering all of what you're feeling, physically and mentally, you're pretty sure. You recap all the crazy shit that just happened.

_I was walking from the kitchen to the hallway, like this leisurely stroll, then hit the wall, and lose my breath. My chest was stinging, and my back started hurting, but Karkat must've been really into the moment to miss it. He kissed me... not even gently. It was angry and raw. Oh, _you're mind tells you_, That's when I actually noticed it was Karkat.  
He said something but it was like a whisper._  
_That must've been why I didn't remember it.  
Karkat whispering? That sounds fictional itself besides the fact that he practically molested me._  
_He was losing his bravado, and started staring back at me. Then I found MY voice._  
_"Karkat, what was that all about?" I panted out, at a loss for breath like him. Like I didn't already know, though. I just wanted to make sure what I was thinking was true I listen.  
"I'm sorry, okay? I just lost it," he said, looking like he wanted to dive underneath something to hide his blush. Thinking back that was actually kind of cute, _you think_._  
_"I just... Karkat I'm just... not a homosexual," you had said, trying to believe yourself, and he looks up at you pained. "Fine," he says, backing off from his looming position over you and took a few paces. He looked like he was debating with himself internally for a second, but then he punched the wall on his left. That's when I had gasped slightly, at his disappointed anger, and that's when I felt bad because it was entirely my fault.  
"Fuck, John!" he yells, quickly pacing to his room and slamming the door shut harshly behind him.  
_  
This leaves you where you were previously. Ridiculously utterly stumped.  
Why, Karkat? You're so confused. It's so difficult to think about in the first place. How would that even- No. You aren't going there. You forbid it.  
Guess you better get back to your room then.  
You struggle to your feet, back searing in pain, and head throbbing. Your door is never locked anyway, so you shuffle into the messy room, flop down on the bed, and begin to start thinking about more positive thoughts to ease you into sleep as you place your useless glasses on the nightstand.  
You glance at your phone first, quickly; 12:21, it reads.  
_Maybe the reason I thought he acted on actually WAS wrong. Maybe he's got something up his sleeve. I wonder what it would be like to step into Karkat's shoes for a while...  
**_

Your fist hurts, and no matter where you lay it, it still hurts. You turn aimlessly for a few minutes. Opening up your eyes again, you see your projection clock's time; it's 12:21.  
You start to try and think about different things. Maybe a positive outlook on what had happened? Please. That's not even close to something you consider doing. But perhaps, in that small instance of hesitation John had, something had been different.

That's something that really had you thinking.  
_I wish I knew what it was like to be John, so carefree..._  
Next thing you know, you're out like a light.

* * *

But since we, the audience, are omnipotent in this case, we are still awake, watching the story unfold. The next sequence of events takes a bit of a weird turn. Viewing John and Karkat together, as though they were on a monitored screen, we see them start to straighten out in their sleep. Next thing, they are exactly in the same position. Then they start glowing.

Red and Blue. Karkat and John.

Hoh boy.  
Brighter and brighter they glow, as if you stuck your phone under a bottle of water, and the glow was spread through something. Something was in the air, proverbially and literally.  
Soon, the color from their bodies starts to drain slowly, as if being sucked away by a diligent straw. The color was seeping from their torsos, and collecting in the air above them, swirling and cutting in on itself over and over. When the last bits of color were finally done, the orbs began to move. Karkat's red slipped silently underneath the door of his respiteblock, and began to seep through the floor at what seemed like a random spot.  
John's blue essence began to rise at what looked like a random spot as well.

Except again, we're omnipotent. So we know exactly what was going on. John's spirit and Karkat's spirit were locating the opposite person, and were slowly beginning to seep into each other's bodies. Red light overtook John, Blue enveloping Karkat. If observed by the naked eye, human or troll, nothing would appear out of the ordinary, except perhaps a very uncomfortable sleeping style.

But there's someone out there who doesn't necessarily observe with their eyes. And boy was the smell of colors raging tonight. Casting it off as some new shipment or whatever coming in for a new company, she shut down her husktop, and attempted to sleep.  
Although she couldn't get out of her head the odd thoughts of blue and red. Hm. Perhaps her nose was off.

* * *

**Oh my goodness. This was incredibly fun to write. I really did have fun with it. I'm assuming you guys know what's going to happen, yes? Well, if not, it will be mostly described next chapter. I just wanted to hint at it. Yeah. Subtlety: Not exactly my thing.  
But anyway, I really would enjoy some feedback; I seem to have a big problem with keeping the same character tense throughout the story.**  
**As I was writing this, it occurred to me that a lot of the same stuff had happened to me, and this is kind of an outlet for all that. As I have anxiety issues myself, I'm going to throw in some tips here and there that might help people with the same problem?**  
**Happy life, don't stress, and best wishes from my writing to yours.**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**

More boring details: Main story: 3rd person omniscient as the omnipotent audience.  
**Karkat and John: Second person POV, referred to as you and recaps, or personal thoughts as I; Terezi (to come later): First person, referred to as I and all thoughts are ours to see. (See what I did there? Seer of ...nevermind)**


	2. Let's Switch things Up

For trolls, dreams are about as vivid as Bob Ross paintings. Meaning: so awesomely vivid that it's sometimes hard to wake up.  
This was unfortunately what Terezi Pyrope was experiencing. In her dream, she was underwater, unable to move, but able to breathe. Sniffing downward, it appeared she was a turquoise mermaid.  
Huh.  
Weirdly twisting, she could flip her little tail thing and rise a little bit. More and more, she could maneuver through the water, all the scents of the vast new world attacking her olfactory senses like a thug of the night.  
It was awesome.  
But… something was off.  
What… what was that?  
That SMELL… WHAT COULD BE SO PUTRID?  
She had to get away from whatever odorous stuff was infecting her mind. But she couldn't get away. It seemed the harder she pushed her efforts, the more intense the vile stench would become. Staggeringly, she found she could no longer move at all, paralyzed.  
It was then that her body decided to wake her up.  
_What on Alternia!_ I said to myself as I regained self-awareness and consciousness. My soft bedsheets wrapped around me, the heat soothing to my aching muscles.  
_Must've been another drowning dream, those are the only ones I start thrashing in…_  
I force myself to leave the comfort of my bed. Bed. Bed bed bed. It was a strange word for something you lose consciousness on for the sake to stay healthy. Humans were just weird in the first place.  
Anyway.  
I have stuff to do. Namely, seeing on the "Christmas" decorations that the humans had been working on in the living room. It smelled so… festive. I really liked holidays, even if they were strange human ones.  
I inhaled deeply through my nose, it working hard to decipher the scents that would make my brain a map of my new abode. Small, no bigger than an average kitchen, with teal and seafoam-green walls. Complimentary red chalk was provided, of course, and nobody could forget the gallows (hooks) from my ceiling for guilty defendants!  
Again, anyway.  
I made my way to my dresser, throwing on things that smelled nice. Getting out the door, no problem. Going down the stairs, slightly more of a problem. I could smell each individual step perfectly, but depth and distance between them was a bit different.  
But I managed.  
I hit the first floor landing. Something's off.  
I sniff a little harder around, looking for a clue of what alerted me. Nothing apparent yet.  
If I was being completely honest with myself, it smelled like Karkat was nearby. But his room was up the stairs, across the hall, and 4 doors down from my room. That was a no-go.  
Onto the living room, then. Like I had said, I had crap to attend to.  
**John's perspective  
That. Was by far. The worst night's sleep. You have EVER. Had.  
Groaning, you know it's probably not going to be a good day.  
You're back is absolutely numb, and rigidly straight. You can see your black hair on your forehead, stuck to you with sweat of the night. You probably need a haircut, you can see it from just looking up.  
You shut your eyes again.  
You also need to clip your nails, you can feel them digging into your palms whenever you close your fists. Eh, you'll have time for that later. You need to get up and think about ways to… just… chat with Karkat about everything. You think you might… not be so against the thought of… anything dealing with homosexuality.  
Maybe.  
But… you don't want to seem like you're just trying to keep everyone happy. You definitely DO want him to be happy. But it's deeper than that.  
_Pull yourself together, John,_ you tell yourself, pulling a little at your hair. You go down to your temples, and begin to rub. You're ready to brace the sunlight. You're ready to brace people. You're just ready, ready, ready, aren't you?  
Wait.  
You need to put your glasses on first. You force your weight to the left, towards your bedstand when you hit something that felt an awful lot like a lamp. A lamp that shouldn't belong there.  
Glasses forgotten, you open your eyes. You're certainly not in your room. In fact, you are in Karkat's room, in his bed, in his clothes. What on earth happened last night. Oh God.  
You are, at this point, frantic. You hop out of bed, stumbling a little on crappy programming books left here and there by the room's rightful owner.  
You're not too sure, but you think you might feel a little shorter.  
And if you were being entirely truthful, you would know that you have watched too many child-like sci-fi movies to not know what is about to happen.  
You're eyesight having been restored to nothing below perfect, you dodge more humble books, and cautiously sneak your way over to Karkat's personal bathroom. It's messy as hell, but it's not like you didn't expect that anyway.  
You KNOW what is about to happen. Please let me be wrong, please…  
You hit the lightswitch, and gaze into the mirror.  
**Karkat's Perspective  
Oh God, you must've dreamt something really awful for your back to have been that straight all night. You sit up, eyes still blissfully shut from the "natural" light that you know pours through the godforsaken windows that Equius installed.  
After a satisfying back pop, you get the feeling something's wrong. You open your eyes.  
You nearly scream.  
What the everloving… I'M BLIND! You start to get scared, because you also notice you are not in your bedroom. You must have been taken to some weird, blue scientific room or something. It's all a blue blur, and it scares the crap out of you.  
Shutting your eyes, because they are pretty useless at this point, you step out of the bed you're in. They smell weird, but familiar. _Okay… so I'm not in a hospital. I know that scent, god damn. Where from…?_  
Doesn't matter.  
You investigate your surroundings. By investigate, you mean hopelessly grope anything you get your hands on. You smash your left hand just above the wrist into an obstruction that felt like a desk, or dresser maybe. You yelp, but more cautiously interact with this piece of blasted furniture.  
You feel something… like… metally… and… woah it unfolds. Okay, now that it is at its fullest, it's… OH HELL YES, IT'S GLASSES. OKAY.  
You put the glasses on, and attempt to investigate your surroundings again.  
But you're not sure if anything is much better. You are in John's room, in John's clothes, and holy shit you better not be what you think you are. You've seen Freaky Friday, where troll Jamie Lee Curtis, and her daughter, troll Lindsay Lohan switch bodies.  
You sprint for the bathroom.  
Alas, you do not make it all the way there. It appears as though John enjoys magic, and has left his entire motherfucking box full of it out on the floor. Damn.  
Your face hurts pretty bad from the fall, especially since John's glasses mashed your nose in. Picking yourself up and scooting all the crap over with your foot, you try again to make it to his bathroom, walking, not running.  
You take a deep breath, and prepare yourself for the worst.  
John must've not felt his best last night, the bathroom light was still on. You shut your eyes,sigh, then open them and twist yourself around the bathroom doorframe, looking directly into the mirror.

* * *

**AAAhahaha, cliffhanger. Except not really. I think if you guys don't know what's about to happen by now, then… I got nothing. Teetotal nothingness up in here. Uh… yeah. ANYWAY! I... hope you guys are okay with things getting worse and then better. I'm going to model this after an actual experience I'm going through (although it really really really hasn't gotten better), and twist it a little to match the trolls/human thing we have going on. Alright. Thank you for reading, leave reviews, criticism (constructive only, no flames, or I will eat you), etc. below, and best wishes from my writing to yours! **  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	3. Straightening out Questions

John's Perspective

_Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god…_ you keep saying in your head as you run your practically clawed hands through your hair. Er, rather, Karkat's practically clawed hands through his hair. Since Karkat is not you. You are just temporarily him. But if you're him, does that mean…  
"EGBERT, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!" Says Karkat, or you, as he comes bursting through the door to his bedroom. It's like getting an out-of-body-experience, viewing yourself as… not yourself.  
_Dang Karkat is short,_ you think to yourself as you realize you are having to look up to meet his eyes, even from a distance.  
"Karkat, we're each other! What happened!" You scream back, unable to contain your panic any longer. Your words coming out in Karkat's voice just fueled this unsettling feeling.  
"Well hell's bells if I know!" he spat back.  
"Well, what should we do?"  
"NOT tell anyone, that's what," he says, as he begins to pace. He whacks his head into his ceiling fan. Immediately his hands clutch his forehead, and he staggers nearly dramatically. "DAMN IT! I knew you were tall, but not THIS tall!"  
"Karkat are you okay?" You ask, kneeling next to his Indian-style body. He glances up at you from under his hands. He's glaring. That's not good.  
"John, you are making my face look like some pitying nooksniffer," he says.  
It takes you a while to understand what he means. He sees you as himself, and your caring face looks foreign to him. Then you get slightly offended. "I'm sorry that I'm not as angry as you are, Karkat!" you say, slightly smiling, but punch his arm to show your legitimate complaint. He just rolls his eyes.  
"Okay. We have to figure this out," you say, when you hear someone knock at the door.  
"KK, what'th the hold up? You thaid you'd be out in the living room by 10:00 tho we could buy giftth and whatnot. Are you even awake yet?" Sollux says from the hallway. He then starts to bang the door harder, then you hear the knob starting to jiggle.

"Oh my god Karkat, what do we do? We should hide!" you yell whisper to Karkat.  
"Not enough time, Egbert! You fucking talk to him! You're me!" he says as he bolts into the bathroom.  
"But Kark-" Then the doorknob opens, and you see Sollux stroll in.  
"KK, did you jutht roll out of bed? *sigh* You mutht've not thet your alarm latht night then. Jutht be in the living room in 10 minuteth, okay?" He says frustratedly.  
"Sure thing, Sollux!" You reply frantically.  
You swear you hear something incredibly similar to a facepalm come from the bathroom, whose door was left open.  
Sollux gives you a weird look, something between shock and interest. "Thomebody'th happy today…" he says, and leaves. As soon as his footsteps were no longer heard, you see Karkat glowering at you from the bathroom.  
"'Sure thing, Sollux?' What kind of snob-nosed sugarqueen do you think I am?" He growls.  
"S-Sorry, Karkat, I just-it just came-I wanted to sound-"  
"Save it, save it. Sorry. I shouldn't have gotten snippy," he says, glancing down in what you swear was a thing close to shame. "We need to learn how to be each other if this day is going to go smoothly. I'm going to pick out clothes for you to put on, you go get some for me, so we at least get SOMETHING right."  
He turns to his dresser, scouring through messy piles of whatnot before he turns back to you. "John, did you hear me?"  
You nod, to show recognition, then leave to go find some clothes for him to wear as you. He called me John… you think to yourself as you trek down the stairs.

* * *

**Karkat's Perspective

_Why the hell is John so adorable, even when he's in the body of someone else? Let alone that body being yours. Gog…_  
You look through your clothes for something for him to wear. Anything would do, as your clothes are pretty much all the same, but the major problem comes in something that is clean. There is no way you're going to give John clothes that have grub sauce stains, or smell like they haven't been washed in a year.  
You finally find some, and place them on your unmade bed.  
Then you realize that John has slept in your bed. You feel the blood rush up to your cheeks. Shaking your head, you look in your bathroom mirror again. John's face is flawless, his teeth adorably screwed up. You touch the mirror, brushing the back of your knuckles along it.

If only John would actually let you do that.

"Karkat," you hear your voice call, "I got some clothes." John was coming back. You had to get back out there.  
"About time, too. Your clothes are on the bed," you say, returning to being rude again, against how you really felt. You stick your arms out, demanding John place the clothes in your arms. He looked up at you slightly sullenly, but deposits the fabric in your arms anyway.  
"Karkat, we need to talk," he says.  
His eyes tell you that he's utterly serious.  
You think you know where this is heading.  
It honestly scares you just a little bit.  
"I know John. And we can later. I'm just tired of getting one kind of fucking signal from you, then being rejected like last week's trend. I'm pissed off John."  
Well that's one way of telling him your true feelings, good job Karkat, you think, mentally facepalming yourself.  
"I just… nevermind," John says, turning away and retrieving the clothes you laid out for him on your bed. His figure looks a little repressed, shy even. "I'm just sorry, Karkat," he says, then leaves.  
Shit. You are such a jerk.  
Sometimes. You just. Want. To be nice.

But that's just not your thing is it?

* * *

**End of Chapter 3. Happy joy! Sorry, I'm just feeling a little bitter. This story is going to end up reflecting my situation a lot more than I had anticipated, and writing down all the shit that I felt/am feeling is a bit of an unneeded dose of "You're depression is worsening". If you care nothing about this meaningless babble (because seriously, that's all these author's notes ARE at this point) please just continue, go back, read my other stories, whatever. Thanks no matter what you do, because that means you had to have read this. I hope y'all's lives are a lot easier than my own, currently, and good luck with everything. **  
**Best of wishes from my writing to yours.**

**~hendrixthenicecow**


	4. Who Can We Trust to Help Us?

**Terezi's Perspective

As I sit in the library on the ground floor, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the intense smell of waterfalls. Only one person can smell like that!

"Hello John!" I call out to the figure I smell walking into the library.  
"U-uh, No! You dummy! I'm Karkat! Check your nose you blind idiot!" calls said he from across the way.  
What the hell is John trying to pull. Wait… that was Karkat's voice though…  
"John, you are most certainly not Karkat, you're such a happier scent!" I stand up, moving over to the warm figure. "Plus those insults were pretty weak."  
I hear a murmured "Drat…" escape his lips. But… his voice sounds JUST like Karkat's. I get closer. "John, hold still just a second."  
As soon as I say the words, he straightens up slightly, like an employee getting checked on while working. I begin a sniff-check to see what's what. Hm… hair still black, at least… oh crap. He has horns. So it IS Karkat! Then… why does he smell like John?

"Oh, so… I guess you are Karkat. But you're smell is exactly like John's, like it's John there inside of you!"  
"Of course not. You're nose must be off, or something. You should check that," he says, admittedly relieved-sounding.  
_SOMETHING IS STILL OFF. DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES._  
"Okay, go back to whatever then, Karkles, I'm just going to go chat with Dave and the mayor…" I say, turning my back on him, and walking the other way.  
"Have fun," he calls from over his shoulder, him having been walking away as well.  
"AHA!" I call across the library. "You are most certainly NOT Karkles! For one, he hates that name, and secondly, he hates it when I talk with Dave! John, what on Alternia happened to you? You really ARE in Karkles' body, aren't you?"

* * *

**John's Perspective

Dang she's perceptive.  
"I… yeah. I'm not really too sure what happened, to be honest. We just sort of woke up as each other, as far as I know," you say, absentmindedly scratching the back of your neck and abandoning the forlorn grimace on your face that was all Karkat's idea.  
"Hm. We're in a library! Let's see what we can find on bodyswaps!" she calls, running towards the large shelves. "Say, why would you be in the library anyway? Karkat would never come in here…"  
"Again, I'm not too sure. I think I just came down to socialize like normal, but forgot I was Karkat…"  
She stops, looks at you for a minute, and continues to rummage through the old texts. "When YOU'RE Karkat, you make him look and sound so nice. It's a really weird change of pace, honestly. I'm kind of curious as to how he's dealing with being you… He is personifying you currently, right?"  
"Yep," you say, even though complex worries of how the morning's events went down pillage your brain. "His only complaint so far is my height."  
She just laughs and gives you a smile. You return it.  
She gasps.  
"Do that again!" she yells, dropping the book (The Story of the Forlorn Cardigan) she was holding in the process. You flash another grin at her.  
"John! Do you realize that this is, like, the only time any of us will EVER see Karkles' body smile? This is fantastic!"  
Boy you've got a lot to learn to be Karkat for the day.

* * *

**Karkat's Perspective

This. Is all. So fucked up.  
You're still John, of course, but now you're in his room. You couldn't pass up the opportunity, especially since now, it wouldn't look suspicious.  
It's relatively organized, for John, and everything seems to be pretty simple. Except what you found thanks to a little bit more of a passion for hardcore snooping. You knew what it was as soon as your pale little fingers found it under John's pillow: his journal.  
Which is, inevitably, the fucked up part.

_November 16, 2012,_  
_Karkat flipped out at supper today! I'm not sure if it was just me or not, though. He just seemed off. He was more distant than usual (which is something in itself), and flat out refused to eat or talk. Just sit and stare off into space._  
_It scared the crap out of me._  
_I don't really know what I'm feeling right now, but I think he's got me questioning my sexuality. It's not like I would care if I was bisexual, homosexual, whatever. I think I'd just be too ashamed to admit it to anyone. It's like, taking a blow. If you're not entirely straight, people think less of you._  
_I'm not sure if I could take that, if when I told my friends, they would feel something less of me for something I couldn't control. Karkat is beautiful, no matter what he thinks of himself, and I want to be able to tell him that without feeling like I'm exposed, and should cover up from it all._  
_Who am I kidding? I'm not completely adult yet, I don't know love! I guess I'll just have to ponder it more. Until then, I should probably at least tell Karkat. I'll see what I can do!_

_November 27, 2012_  
_Scratch everything from the entry of November 16. Karkat couldn't feel the same way about me as I'm feeling. He just called something or someone he was mad at "gay". Gay isn't an insult, it's a state of being! And I'm pretty sure that if he was, he would feel the same way, not make fun of it._  
_I thought trollmance or whatever didn't work that way… Whatever. I just need to screw my head on better! Karkat's just my best bro! I must've just been admiring him or something._

_November 30, 2012_  
_Holy crap. Okay, now I'm really confused. All my old feelings for Karkat just came cascading back; Karkat just almost assaulted me in the hallways this afternoon. He… he kissed me. Ferociously I might add. I was so scared… shit, I was so scared I told him I wasn't homosexual. Which is almost so untrue it's funny, but I couldn't just come out like that, he might've gotten mad! But now… he just looks resigned. _  
_I have resolved to tell him what I really feel, and ask him out. But how? Without making it so cheesy that he vomits or something… Maybe Terezi knows some romcoms he likes? Yeah! I'll check into that! Until then, I really hope he'll still want to talk to me. Who knows, a lot has gone down. One can hope!  
_  
You realize that John's most recent entry, November 30, 2012, was last night. It intrigues you, the way he feels, but borderline infuriates you that he didn't tell you and lied. But… you can't stay mad at John, especially since you know how he feels now.  
You're heart is uncharacteristically soaring, many images floating around in your mind. John asking you out, you looking surprised… John and you on a date… etc. It was the first thing since you can remember that actually made you look forward to the future.  
You gently shut the book of knowledge, and place it back under his oversized cow pillow.

Gog, even that was adorable.

You pay one last happy glance at the room, then walk out. You're not really sure where to go. Where would John go? Hmm… probably either the living room, the kitchen, or the library.  
You travel down the main hallway, the first area you come across is the library. Opening the little wooden door, you see Terezi in the first aisle, talking to someone, but you're not sure who.  
She stops and sniffs, and it's at that point you know you're screwed.  
"Karkles is here! C'mere, you!"  
Shit. How'd she know it was you? Best not pretend…  
"What do you want?" I ask as I approach, John gently coming into view farther down the aisle. He still looks motherfucking adorable, and you don't know whether to just glomp him now, and confess you saw his diary, or let him make the move. Besides, if you did that now, it'd be like, making out with yourself.

You shiver.

"Well someone looks cold, colder than usual!" she said, cackling at her own awful joke. John mouths a sorry. "Back to important things, John told me about what happened between you two, and with my AMAZING things I can do with my "sight" like "reading" between the lines, I just may have a solution for your problems. But… it'll take some, cooperation, to say the least."

* * *

**Yeup, just another ordinary chapter. It'll pick up with a bit more of the unhappy stuff here in a few chapters. If I ever get swayed by reader input, slight things might change. Other than that, thanks, and best wishes from my writing to yours.**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	5. Getting Physical Changes

John's Perspective**

Terezi's plan is... different. Not like bad different, but... complicated different. It's going to take a while.  
She is considering a meditational reverse bodyswap. She was also looking into ways of pseudo-psionics. Just simple telepathic connections, definitely not something Sollux leveled.

Pondering on the vast shelves gave you the pleasure of some stuff that was really useful, like psychology; hilarious stuff, like Karkat's response to a book on human behaviours; then touchy things like books on emotions and affections (apparently, human forms of love, friendship, and loyalty was ridiculous).  
That was definitely something.

Eventually, Terezi had "formally banished" you two from the library, due to either lack of interest (Karkat) or total goofing off on the job (you).

Which left us two options, both equally awkward: talk to each other, or come up with some reason we had to go do something different. You had no clue whether or not Karkat would even willingly talk to you, let alone start a conversation with you on his own, so you had to do it. You had to try.  
"How are you, Karkat?"  
Nice.  
"As fucking great as ever, thanks," he says, swiftly deciding to walk ahead and lean on the railing of the balcony, where one could look down into the livingroom/kitchen area. It sure seemed inviting to go stand by him. Dang I'm tall, you think to yourself as you near him.

You're now standing by him and peer to the lower level- Equius and Nepeta were curled in on each other, watching some show on the television, Equius looking rather at peace. You could just make out Kanaya and Aradia in the kitchen, cooking, while Sollux, Eridan, Feferi, and Vriska were playing some sort of card game. Odd. Vriska didn't usually come out of her room too much.  
"Look, John. I get it if you don't like me, okay? Just at least stop sending me fucking mixed signals. Tell me out, now, what's your stand?" Karkat breathed.  
Ouch. The police brutality behind all that bluntness was enough to make you flinch slightly. But you were going to man up this time. Tell the truth.  
"I uh, want to apologize. For the mixed message deal," you say, and begin to rub your left forearm slightly. God how he made you nervous.  
**

* * *

Karkat's perspective**

You're acutely aware of how John is rubbing his left forearm. He's atrociously nervous. If you weren't so nervous yourself, you'd think it was kind of cute.  
"I'm really scared. And you have to kind of get the brevity of that before you get what I'm about to say," he says, starting to get a depressive look on his face.

"Wait," you interject, your John-voice high and forceful, "we should go somewhere else. Let's go to my room." You leave the balcony, circling the railing back to your side of the troll floor. Funny how even though the caste-system was very out-of-place, it showed itself in your bedroom arrangements. All the lower-blooded trolls were on one side of the library/stairs part, higher-bloods on the other.  
You arrive there shortly, shoving half-heartedly some of the shit out-of-the-way, and lazily sit on your bed, waiting for John to sit as well.  
He takes a seat in your computer chair, wheeling it away from your husktop table, facing you.  
"...Like I had been saying... I'm terrified. I'll admit, you're the first one I've told since I figured it out, but... I think I'm bisexual."

_Karkat's hope level: increasing from -20 to +3._

"...And you're kind of the one that was making me shift that way."

_Karkat's hope level: increasing from +3 to +40._

"But I didn't want you to think the only reason I would date you was to keep you happy. I was scared you'd think that, then you'd think I wasn't worth it."

_Karkat's hope level: increasing from +40 to +45._

"I think I've gotten that out now," he chuckles, blushing heavily at this point, "but... the real reason I'm terrified is that... what will other people think?"

_Karkat's hope level: decreasing from +45 to +40._

"I know what people say, 'Be your own person, don't give a crap about what they say' but I just can't think like that. I really respect our friends. If they didn't approve, I don't know what I'd do. I would have lost their respect, and... well, I guess it doesn't matter!"

_Karkat's hope level: increasing from +40 to +42._

"I know they'll encourage us! Look at Tavros and Gamzee, they're made for each other! They won't care that we're dating!"

_Karkat's hope level: increasing from +42 to +60._

You refuse to sit idly by and listen to his rambling on about acceptance and all that bullshit. You don't give a fuck if it's your body or not. John's in there, and therefore in front of you is a pair of virgin lips, and if you're just going to let them stay that way, shame on you.

You kiss the hell out of John.

You are so very happy that this time, when you pull away, he's not aghast and shocked, more like pleasantly surprised.  
And you are so *SO* happy that when you pull away, he goes in for another on his own.

"John. Formalities aside, you're my boyfriend now."  
He nuzzles into your neck, unintentionally scraping his nubby horns down your neck. He backs away immediately and apologizes profusely, then stops.  
He audibly gasps.  
"What?"  
"Karkat? Oh my gosh... you're... MY eyes, are turning red!"

* * *

**I think I just got a pretty cool idea for the way this will ultimately end. Yeah. Props to anyone who can guess *who* is the mastermind behind this (you'll probably have to wait for a few more clues), and how they're going to fix it. That's about it. I've got more coming, of course, yadda yadda. I can only type so fast ;u;  
I've also got a bit of a favor to ask. For any of you who actually DO leave a comment, can I know what country you're from? BY ABSOLUTELY NO MEANS DOES IT MEAN YOU HAVE TO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. It's just I'm really curious as to international things, and getting the feeling that I'm getting internationally read is kinda... cool? Motivating? I'll call it what I want, but if it gets more chapters out quickly, I don't really care!**  
**No, I'm not going to track you if you do. I can't even do that. Not even if I wanted to XD I can code little HTML bits, but no. I'm not even going there!**  
**Best of wishes from my writing to yours~**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	6. Palette Swap

Karkat's Perspective**

"What?!" You yell into the quiet room.  
"They're not blue anymore! What color are my eyes?" he says, and leans closer to you.  
As you peer into your own eyes, you can see that they are no longer silvery-red, they are swirlingly becoming very light purplish, and holy crap what's happening to you two.  
"Karkat, what're we going to do? What does this mean?"  
"Calm the fuck down, first! I.. uh.. It's gotta mean the changes that the other personality is taking over, or something."  
"Do you think they're permanent?" he asks timidly.  
"I sure hope not. We've got to get our own fucking bodies back *SOME* time."

John's looking at you, brightly, hopeful. But it soon turns into a scowl, then slowly, a grimace.  
"Now what, John?"  
He looks up at you, this time fear very apparent.  
"Karkat, I don't know! You're horns are really hurting, it's like they're sinking into my skull!"

* * *

John's Perspective**

Karkat's eyes widen a lot bigger than you've even seen them as yourself (except that one time with your two-week-lasting contacts, but that's a different story), and suddenly he's got you by the hand. You're out the door, and out of the small hallway before you're actually moving yourself. He bursts into the library.  
"Terezi!" He calls. She appears quickly from behind a shelf a few back.  
"I thought I told you guys you were judicially ban-"  
"Now's not the time, Judge Terezi! Shit's happening!" He pulls us both forward, and leans for so Terezi can examine the color of our eyes.  
"Are-Are they changing?" She asks, recoiling surprisedly.  
"No, we're trying to sell you these brand new change-your-eye-color shit cubes that you drizzle in your salad and gulp down gratefully like a slop eating bacon-maker!" Karkat yells.

Both you and Terezi are staring wide-eyed, Terezi slightly chuckling.  
"John, are you taking notes? That's what I call an insult!" You can't help but giggle slightly.  
"And Karkat, look how happy John makes you look when you're body is smiling," she says, scooping you into a hug, "YOU could take some notes too!"  
"TEREZI! NOT THE TIME! IF YOU DON'T DRAG YOUR HAPPY ASS BACK THERE AND HELP US, I SWEAR TO GOG, THE FIRST THING THAT I BURN DOWN IS EFFECTIVELY GOING TO BE YOUR RESPITE BLOCK. ULTIMATELY AND IN PARTICULAR, LEMONSNOUT. IF YOU DON'T DO IT FOR US, DO IT FOR THAT INNOCENT LITTLE WHATEVER!"  
At this time you are at a full-bodied guffaw, and loving it, even if you're painfully changing.  
"Alright, alright. You asked for it, though."  
She walks back over to the shelf, pondering thoughtfully.  
It's about this time that Sollux walks into the library. You're hidden in a smaller area, though, not exactly conspicuous. He's approaching a certain shelf that he seems to know exactly what's there.  
He rummages through a few books for a second, then you decide to say hello.  
"Hey Sollux! What'cha up to?" you say as you round the glassed-in reading area you were behind. You completely forget that you are not in your own body, though.

Apparently he's caught off guard.  
"Oh shit, hello John, I uh, I have a major read I need to catch up on and, uh, coding. I'll be theeing you, then," he says as he very quickly walks out of the library.  
"Well what was that all about," Karkat says as he comes to see the action as well.  
"I don't know... How on Earth did he know I was John, though? I'm still in your body, aren't I?"  
You look down, hair still shifting on your forehead; still pretty short.  
"That asshole knows what's up, doesn't he."  
"It appears to be so-"  
"What was he even in here for?" He approaches the area Sollux was looking in, looking through the books he had left in a pile on the floor."Oh hell no. That little shit."  
"What is it?" you say, but you get the feeling you sorta know.  
He lifts the book slightly, shifting the cover into view.

_Psionics: A Soul-Shifting Guide for the Mentally Capable_

Oh hell no, you're mind says, echoing Karkat.  
"You don't think..."  
"I most certainly do think. Terezi, get your skinny ass over here. We found some shit that'll probably help."

* * *

**Hnng. This chapter's shorter. Bummer ^^; But I do think that it gets a little more insight/etc. Without it, it'd be like ("YOU DIDN'T EVEN *LOOK* FOR THE SOLUTION, IT JUST COINCIDENTALLY FELL INTO YOUR UNDESERVING GRIPS!") So yes. Work, yay! More masterful planning. And the real plot is still developing. I genuinely dunno how long this is going to be. Thank you for sticking with me for this! You're also apparently supposed to say you don't own the material. Yeah, Hussie, almighty Hussie does. So thank you so much. Amen to the Hussie. Oh yeah! I'm from the US. I'm so curious as to how average life differs, it's so curious! GAH! Turning... into... weirdo! So anyway:**  
**Best of wishes from my writing to yours!**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	7. And Back Again

Karkat's Perspective**

You follow Terezi out of the library through the hallway to the lower-blood troll area. You pass your bedroom door, painted grey with a black Cancer sign hovering in the bottom right corner. One door to the left was Sollux's. Sollux's room happened to be the most plain one, easily mistaken as unoccupied, except for the exuberant personalities of the other low-blood trolls. A creamy border surrounded the white door, the only thing marking it as the Gemini's was the Gemini symbol, small in size, in the bottom right-hand corner.

You nudge Terezi aside, and burst the door open.

Sollux sits, (or was sitting, considering the fact you alarmed him) at his computer desk, sleek, modern shelving lining the walls with books, cd's, cords, and other computing paraphernalia. It rattles with the impact of the door to the opposite wall.

"Oh shit," he says, picking his self out of his chair, leaning against the wall with one hand, body leaning backwards staggeringly.

"You know what's coming, you little shit! What'd you do to us?" You yell at him. You can hear Terezi cackling in the backround.  
"Well excuthe me for wanting to help you guyth!" he hollers back, used to your vile attitude. He's now leaning towards you, John, and Terezi, though still not comfortable with the confrontation.  
"Helping?" John says from behind you. You scoot forward and to the side slightly to let him in.  
"Yeth. Helping. Gog knowth you two needed it," he says, now sitting down in his chair again.

"Well, what'd you do then? We know it's some sort of psionics!" Terezi grins, plopping herself down by his desk.  
"Yeah, I uthed thionicth. It'th fun, really, how vulnerable thome people are. Let alone you and John. You are jutht tho blind thometimeth. No offenthe, TZ."  
"None taken."  
"Anyway, I uthed a thmall thionics thoul shift pattern. Ath evident from your eyeth, the changeth are reverthing, it wath a two-day thing anyway. If you're exthtra nithe, though, I can thpeed up reverthal," he says with a sly grin.  
"Yes, please," John says with a smile.  
"Fine, fine. Lay down."

You both pick a spot near each other (but not touchy-feely) and stretch onto your backs, occasionaly having to push aside a few stray papers, cords, or textbooks. Sollux says the words, and you're both out cold.

* * *

Terezi's Perspective**

John and Karkat are both laying down, breath getting steadier as time progresses, I can hear. I smell that Sollux was kneeling by them. He was just sitting there, but then started concentrating. I couldn't see him, but I could tell that his muscles were tensing, his breath harder.  
Alighting your senses, blue and red showed up, both intensely focused over John and Karkat's bodies. _Go figure_, I say to myself.

Sollux was more intent now, probably not too totally aware of himself, and was removing the energy slowly but steadily. Roughly 30 seconds later, no color was left in the blurred bodies. He held the two orbs close to him. Part of the red retracted from Karkat's soul. It went closer to Sollux's mustard body, seeping into the red of his eye. He did the same for John's blue essence.

I didn't think Sollux was taking part of their souls... but what was he doing? Maybe that's a psionic thing or something, taking a part of whatever you mess with. I guess it'd be a better thing to not mess with him while he's got two souls in his palms.

He cast his arms out, draftily appearing over the other bodies. _Wow_, I think to myself, _without color, they're dead to me; unrecognizable._  
I'm not really liking this much, faster's better here.

He's actually putting the energies back into the right bodies at this point, still going at a decent clip, but not waveringly. When he finishes, he staggers slightly. John and Karkat are still out like a light. The colors of they're bodies, not really out in the open anymore, are still slightly shifting.

"Sollux, I saw the whole thing."  
"Uh... yeth. You were right there. I know."  
"Did you just take part of their souls?"  
"Hah. No. Having a nagging KK in the back of my thoul would kill me. The way I did it in the firtht plathe wath to send part of mythelf out, the thlight red and blue of my eyeth or rather, thionics, to thwitch the thoulth. KK'th pretty sharp, he'd catch it if I did it mythelf. Tho the part I wath taking back wath the part I had thent in the firtht plathe." he replies steadily.  
"You sent your eye pixies to switch Karkles to John and John to Karkles?"  
"Thure, TZ."

* * *

John's Perspective**

Oh God your back hurts. But oh hey look, it's actually you.

* * *

Karkat's Perspective**

Oh Holy Motherfucking Gog your back hurts. But... you're you again!

* * *

**Yep. I see the unhappiness developing next chapter. Prepare, I guess, would be the wise advice of hendrixthenicecow. But yes, after the upsetting part, which indubidably will be hard to write, will get better. Or so I currently plan. (-insert Disney Scar song-) BE PREPARED!**  
**Yeah. Anyway.**  
**Best wishes from my writing to yours.**


	8. Heed My Warning, Knight

John's Perspective**

You sit up slightly, cradling your spine with utmost care. Karkat is coming-to as well, and glances over at you. You grin at him, and he releases a smirk back. Then, after a "Good morning," from a certain Sollux, oh shit, you see him start to realize just what happened. You cringe out of inference.  
"Sollux, okay, you used your freaking psionics on us. Nice joke, fucker. What was the point of that anyway?"

"You both needed it. Theriouthly. You do realithe that thionicth can hear at greater dithtanthes, right?"  
You both remain silent. Karkat, Terezi, nor yourself knew that. Pfft, you're not psionic, of course.  
"And with that, you do realithe that that altho meanth on different floorth of thith hive?"  
Oh crap.  
"I heard you two latht night, tho I wanted to help out. You're welcome," he says, smirking smugly from his computer chair.

A few seconds of silence go by.

"What does he mean by that, Karkles?" Terezi pipes up from beside Sollux.  
"None of your fucking business, that's what!" Karkat yells. Terezi then turns to you. "John?"  
"I uh..." you stutter as you share a wayward glance with Karkat.  
"They both are head over heelth for each other, but they're both either too shy," Sollux says, glancing at you, "or too abrupt," he continues, eyeing Karkat.  
"They're what?!" Terezi screeches, stunned for once into silence.  
"We are most certainly not, don't turn us into a sappy sitcom!"  
"Then what do you call making out with him, then? I'm pretty thure that that'th both a human and trollian affection thing," Sollux says, showing of his pointed teeth in a grin again.  
You're both flustered and highly amused by this conversation.  
"Well let's ask John, huh? John? You like Karkat, right?" Terezi questions.

"I uh... sorry Karkat," you say, smirking wildly, "it appears as though you're now my passionate lover."  
"John, what the fuck."  
"I can no longer withhold my overwhelming feelings of love for you," you say, enjoying more and more just how flustered Karkat's getting, not to mention how much Sollux and Terezi are having fun with this.

You stand up now from your sitting position on the floor, and walk over to him, squatting eye-to-eye.  
"I think we should get married and have 20 homo-babies together, my dear."  
"Hey!" Terezi shouts, "I can marry you! Judicial protocol and all!"  
"And don't forget your bucket, you lovebirdth!" Sollux joins in.  
Karkat is very red at this point.  
"You're all just crazy, that's what this is all coming down to," he says, huffing and scooting away from us all subtlety. You doubt if he acually isn't enjoying this by the gentle, almost imperceptible rise the ends of his mouth is forming.  
"Ahahaha, okay, I think the joke's over. I think I'll go back to my room and just chill for a while, really," you say sheepishly, standing up and walking over to the door.  
"Oh, fine, leave me with these asshats. That's real nice, my *passionate lover*," Karkat calls after you.  
You laugh and round the corner, fully aware of the confession about to come from Karkat, and the embarrassment bound to come from Terezi.

You make it down the stairs and across the hall to your bedroom in one piece, and flop down onto the bed. It's nice, really. You're you again (never thought you'd say that one), and you can think without having to worry anymore: Karkat likes you, you figured out you like Karkat, and it's all just pretty awesome. All chill.

* * *

Karkat's Perspective**

You FINALLY end up leaving the terrible two, and exit the room, going down the hallway to your own room. Things have finally settled down again. Even if it was only for what, twelve hours? Still, it was pretty damn scary. You're laying on your bed, off in your subconscious thinking about John, your relationship, and when you should actually alert people to this new developement when a figure appears in your doorway.  
"What now?" You ask, laying on your side to face Sollux.  
He grins smugly. "Oh nothing, jutht looking for a little gratitude," he says, picking his way forward to your computer chair.

"Gratitude? For some shitty soul-swap experience? I don't think so," you retort, smirking. Your friendly communication skills are just magnificent.  
"Gratitude for getting you and John together, that'th what. But I have to thay," he continues, leaning down to rest his elbow on his knee and his head on his hand, "you're pretty brave."

You're quiet.  
"You do realithe that all the other trollth are either happily thingle, or paired with another troll."  
"So what?"  
"Well... I jutht... you're one of my betht 'friendthe', KK, tho metaphorically I'll be happy if you're happy. Then again, there are other trollth here. And humanth too. They don't really count, though. I'm jutht thaying, not everyone'th gonna love you being in a relathionship with John," he says, gauging your response as he speaks.

First and foremost, you're shocked. Appalled. Caught off-guard, to say the least. I mean, why would they be upset? Just because you're different species? Terezi's definitely got a spark with that human Dave, even if it's not completely red now.

Second, you're getting pretty ticked. Why can't you date someone you feel so red for? So much pity that you could just hold him all the time, keep him safe and happy from the outside world.  
"And just who do you think would be unhappy about this?" you question, not so much angrily as curiously, even though the anger was substantial.  
"I don't know. I just want you to be happy. All I'm gonna thay ith... be careful who you tell, and when you tell them. I promithe one thing, KK... I won't tell a thoul. Unleth, of courthe, I want thome blackmail," he says with a blossoming grin.  
"What ever would I do then? Die from all my blackish misery? Hey, keep this rate up, you won't just be the Mage of Doom, you'll be the King of it!" You say, referring to the old titles of SBURBian heroship.

"Oh, dear KK," he says, halfway out of your respiteblock at this point, "I already am."  
He slips away, and you hear him slightly chuckle as he walks down the hallway. His door opens, then shuts quietly.

You're back to being alone, re-examining the conversation you just had. The more you think, the more your grin fades into something not too short of a hurt frown.

* * *

**And here we are. I hope this story just ruins your days, because that's what I'm here for! Sorry, just joking. Seriously, though, the angst (I think that's what you call it) and other probably off-putting emotions are about to whap you over the head with a hot sock. I swear, just stick it through, though, and it'll get better, if gradually. Please don't attempt murder in the comments. Not like you reasonable people out there would. Just saying.**  
**Oh well.  
Oh hey! I wanna say thanks to all my reviewers. Some (cough *darkgirl43255 and Inuyashagirl312* cough) even putting up three! Wow! Not that a single review is bad! Crap, I'm bad at wording. I just want to say thanks, that's all. So thank you so, so much.  
This chapter was mostly to deal with the interactions between John, Karkat, Terezi and Sollux. I needed to make it seem more real, the little friendly interactions, the teasing, the jokesteriness. Call it foreshadowing, but I'm just gonna say: Sollux and Terezi are loyal-ass mofos. Loyal. Looooyaaaall. There we go; subtlety is just my absolute strong-suit.**  
**Okay. Done.**  
**Here's best wishes from my writing to yours,**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	9. Appear, Villain

John's Perspective**

"You're barely a threat!" you say into the microphone, your eyes alert and your fingers alive on the keys.  
_krrz "You only wish that were true, Egbert."_  
"Yeah, well you at LEAST have to say my strategy was the best," you repeat, performing an act of medieval slaughtery as you talk.  
_krrz "Hoh, yeah, seducing the bar maid was your best move, man,"_ your partner in crime returns.  
"Oh... oh crap what's that?" you say, eyes finding a strange figure behind a certain blacksmith.  
_krrz "Where's it at, bro, where's it at?"_  
"I dunno, it's right behind the blacksmith, but it could've left for the Old Rickley Tavern!"  
_krrz "Well we should attack this serious issue, then."_

You move your little character so that they are running at a decent clip towards the blacksmith building.  
"Okay, don't pull a Leroy Jenkins, PLEASE, okay, plan is, use a double-handed sword, I'm going to use an inflict moderate wounds spell, and then we'll go from there!"  
_krrz "Whatever you say, John,"_ they agree.

You get about three seconds into your plan when whatever mysterious creature, or whatever it was, annihilates both you and your companion. The screen shows, "GAME END: RESPAWN/QUIT"

"Dang it. What on earth was that, a hack?"  
_krrz "Nah, I don't think so."_  
"Ugh. Anyway. Maybe we can pick this up again some time?"  
_krrz "Sure. What you got goin' on, bro? Ditchin' your best pal and some mad Alchemizer's Quest for what?"_

You hesitate. It's been 2 days after the whole body-swap incident for you and Karkat, and tonight you were finally going on a real date. He was going to take you to some restaurant! You flush slightly, and you're thankful that you're in your bedroom alone.  
You really feel the urge to tell your bro what's been going on. The whole story. You can trust Dave, right?

"Funny you should ask. It's actually kinda personal!" you relate over the mic nervously but excitedly. "I'm going on my first real date with Karkat."  
You wait with bated breath as you sense his hesitation.  
_"You're man-crushing on Karkat? I did not see that one coming, Egbert. This isn't some pretty sweet irony, is it? I doubt you're on a high enough level of ironic potential for that."_  
"No, Dave, I'm not joking. He only asked me out a few days ago," you say, leaning back in your chair, getting dirt out from under your nails. You click the 'QUIT' option of your game, keeping the seperate voicechat up.  
_"Well... good luck then. I'll catch you later,"_ he says, and then your chat is cancelled.

Call yourself easily offended, but that kind of stung there at the end. You uneasily close your chat tab, and get up to put on some nicer clothes.  
You freeze at your closet door, knowing nothing about romantic clothes, or what was even acceptable for something like this.

* * *

Karkat's Perspective**

To say that you had been thinking a lot lately about what Sollux had told you would not be a lie. You were really trying NOT to think about it, but how could you not? You're finally happy, getting sleep, feeling good about life for once. If some joker screwed it up for you, you think you'd lose your shit.

You asked John to go on a real date this evening. Dinner, at _Prisciuto Belini's_, some fancy Italian place. You wormed out of John that he had a weakness for the ethnic food.  
As Sollux had suggested, you hadn't told anyone. Only you, John, Sollux, and Terezi knew you were dating as far as you knew. As for who John told... you had no clue. Maybe you'd ask him about it over dinner... tell him Sollux's warning. Then again, what'll it do besides worry him? Eh, you'll decide when you think it through longer.

You'd mostly been programming, talking (psh, totally _not_ cuddling) with John, and thinking. It didn't leave much time to worry about telling people, or their possible reactions, so you really weren't worried.

But there was that awful, awful noise in the back of your head. The area that specialized in worst case scenario planning. It was alive and glowing with possible terrible outcomes; rejection, disgust, and possibly worst, disappointment.  
No matter how grumpy or tough you act, that's a well detailed mask, worn with years of experience of having to appear undeterred. Secure. Safe. Just **OKAY**. But one of the grooves well worn into the side of your mask that your body touched was the splintered, rough imperfection of worry and self-image. Respect of other people's opinions. How no matter how many fucking times people told you to "live your own life" or "don't care what others think of you" or whatnot, it still coincided slightly with having a lot to care about what other people's opinions of you were.

And that was possibly your greatest weight, your greatest threat to your sanity, and your greatest fear.

You pull your knees up to your chest in your computer chair, grab hold of an edge of your desk, and spin yourself as fast as you can.  
Sometimes, silly things were the best things to get awful things off your mind thing.  
Even to you that came out wonky.

You keep spinning.

* * *

Dave's Perspective** (wait wut)

You log off of your voicechat with John, particularly uneasy. He just totally bro-confided in you, you could hear the anxiety in his voice. He was nervous on the inside. But he's dating Karkat...  
Can they even do that?

They're human and troll. Troll and human.

You just can't see this ending well. If ANYTHING, you want your best bro to be okay, and this is just... not right to say the least. You lean back in your chair and run a hand through your hair. You ponder over different scenarios of how this could end: most aren't too great for John.  
Karkat's an ass anyway, what was John thinking?

...You stop yourself only to judge whether or not you're jealous of Karkat.

Of course you aren't. You're Dave fucking Strider.

You jiggle your mouse slightly to get your screen back up (maybe you were pondering the whole thing longer than you thought) and to bring up Pesterchum. You click on the name you were wanting to talk to, slightly displeased by the fact that she wasn't on, but were going to nonetheless let her know this whole damn situation anyway.

A bro owes it to his sis.  
You type quickly, as if the faster you get it out, maybe the faster she'd get online.

- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -  
TG: yo rose  
TG: we got serious problemos  
TG: our little egberts growing up  
TG: but im worried he ain't doin it right  
TG: i gotta tell you the story first  
TG: so get online

You sit back again, and await Mrs. Lalonde to resume communicating with you. You ponder some more about trying to help John think about things carefully.

* * *

**Do you see problems arising with this plot so far? Yeah. I do. For those that care (and those that don't, that's okay too) THIS IS WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, AND I WOULD NOT APPRECIATE ANY SORT OF COMMENT SAYING HOW UNREALISTIC THIS IS. Thanks, though. I try to keep my stories real. As real as videogames that bring people into them, and trolls, and any of this can be. So thanks. Muchos gracias.**  
**Holy crap, you guys have no clue how much I'm struggling with writing this. But maybe it'll help me overcome all this shit? I dunno. Two days ago was pretty bad, though, otherwise I would've been able to get this up quicker. I had the EMT's called on me, scared me silly. Panic attacks are not fun. Let alone having them at school. Scaring the crap out of your friends. Having to talk to, like, 3 counselors. **  
**Geezes, you'd think I tell everyone everything with the way that I'm babbling. I'm really really sorry. I hope y'all just like the story. **  
**Sorry for throwing my sorry personal life into this, ouch. **  
**Yeah, I need to go do something else.**  
**Au revoir, monavis. Ciao. **  
**Best wishes from my writing to yours, **  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	10. Six-Said

John's Perspective**

Here you sit in _Prisciuto Belini's_, across from a certain Karkat. You chuckle inwardly, partially congratulating, but partially relieved that your attire fits the mood. Not too fancy, but nice. Smooth. Just like you.  
You chuckle inwardly some more.

You've already ordered (as has Karkat) and you're waiting on your food, chowing down on some breadsticks and alfredo while the time passes. Karkat initiates a conversation.  
"So, you tell anyone about us yet?" he asks, leaning on his left elbow, wiping his mouth with a corner of his napkin in his right. He sets it back in his lap haphazardly. You immediately recall having told Dave.  
"Yeah," you say, resting both elbows on the table, "I told Dave. But he was cool with it!"  
Karkat takes interest in the fact that you told someone, creasing his brows when Dave's name in mentioned.

"Out of all people..." he mutters.  
"Oh come ON Karkat, he's my best bro! Friend-wise, of course. What's the big deal?"  
"It's not a big deal. Remember when you left for your room after we changed back to ourselves?" he asks, and you nod. "Well, Sollux came up to me later. He may have just been being an ass, but he still gave me a warning. He said to be careful who we told and when. Says there's people that might not be so thrilled we're dating."  
You reel in the information, slightly concerned. "Should I have not told Dave? Oh my gosh, Karkat, I'm sorry!"

* * *

Karkat's Perspective**

Oh shit he's apologizing.  
You remedy the situation to the best of your ability.

"John, I trust you, okay? And if you think having told Dave was a good idea, then I'll stand by that. I didn't want to worry you," you ramble, desperately trying to prevent this from turning from an explanation to a heartfelt confession, "I just wanted to let you know. Because you make me just about the happiest I've ever been, and if some fuckass is going to ruin that for me, then I say they're not worth the time to consider it."  
John's grinning pretty wide at you from this point, and you realize you did a pretty bad job. It was past heartfelt confession and was borderlining sappy story-time.

You duck your head down towards your chest and slaughter another breadstick.

* * *

Dave's Perspective**

You're leaning back against your headboard, having felt content with tonight's passage. After getting a hold of Rose, you both agreed that you needed to talk to John. Surprisingly (and highly suspiciously) Rose didn't question you about jealousy. There were hints of the thought crossing her mind, but for both of your sakes, it wasn't whole heartedly brought up.

Rose also discussed inter-species dating. While she said it wasn't impossible, it would prove a problem. You stopped her before she could delve too far into anatomy and hormones.

After about 5 minutes of the chat (having completed the story, and also alerted her to your standpoint), you fixated one thing: John's happiness was of the utmost importance. She countered all of your opinions (and some of hers) with what John would want the most. Of course he wants to date Karkat, but maybe if you talked some sense into the lad, he'd see just how foreign the whole thing was, just how SILLY it was.  
For the better of keeping everyone together, had some unfortunate throw of love broken them up, it was better to get them apart while the feelings were fresh.  
You don't think everyone could take a few months of a sobby John, or an angrier-than-usual Karkat.

Yes, for the best, you needed to save them both. For this you would also need more back-up, more opinions.

You log onto Pesterchum again, and surf through the list of names.

* * *

Sollux's Perspective**

Actively hacking away (quite literally) at your programming shenanigans, you hear the faint blip of your Pesterchum account. Why you had one escapes you. Anywho, you pause what you're doing to bring it up. It appears as though Strider has created a group page named: "saving a bro".

This probably has bad written deep into it's code.

Strider has you, himself, Rose, Jade, Terezi, and Tavros invited.  
Infamous HIM starts the conversation.

_-[TG] entered "saving a bro" -_  
_TG: you pals_  
_TG: I need your help_  
_-[GG] entered "saving a bro"-_  
_GG: what's up Dave? _  
_TG: egbert needs our help_  
_- and [TT] entered "saving a bro"-_  
_AT: uH,,, wHAT'S WRONG WITH jOHN?_  
_TT: What Dave means is, we need to talk about John._

Oh God. You warned Karkat. You do not like where this is headed. You notice Terezi enters the chat.

_-[GC] entered "saving a bro"-_  
_GC: WH4T'S WRONG W1TH JOHN? _  
_TT: He has chosen a relationship that is questionable in origins._  
_GG: questionable?! :o_  
_TG: yeah questionable_  
_GG: well cmon spill, who is it! :p_

You are really not liking this.

_TG: ol mr snappy britches_  
_TT: I think what he meant was "breeches". And aside from curious names, it is Karkat._  
_AT: oH, WOW,,, i DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING_  
_GG: I didn't see that coming! But good for john! _  
_TT: Well, that was what we were wanting to discuss. Don't you think this is stretching things a little?_  
_TG: human dating troll_  
_TG: how does that even work_  
_TG: and no rose i dont mean that literally_  
_AT: hEY, UH, wHAT'S WRONG WITH TROLLS?_  
_TT: There is nothing wrong with trolls. We're just worried about the ensuing relationship break-up._  
_GG: but what if they don't break up! What if they're really happy together!_  
_TG: sorry jade. we just think its better to save him the sorrow now rather than have a mopey john later_  
_GG: well I guess... :(_  
_TT: I don't have a problem with him dating Karkat. It appears as though he's broken one of our unofficial barriers, though._  
_TG: its almost selfish, risking all the hard earned friendship for one little joydate_  
_AT: i, UH, i THOUGHT KARKAT ALWAYS WANTED TO DATE, uH, JOHN_  
_TT: But is this a risk we can let them take?_

You hear another blip of Pesterchum, but it's from a seperate chat. Terezi has started a new one with you.

-[GC] started pestering [TA]-  
GC: OH SH1T  
GC: WE'RE 1N TROUBL3

She's got that right.

* * *

**You know what? I just want to get this off my chest, okay? I'm getting really choked up writing this. It's like I'm supporting the people that did this to me, in a way, justifying the harsh things they said. Being selfish for expressing love is a cruel deduction, and it pains me to even think about anyone who could agree with it. So if you want to agree, or tell me I'm ridiculously stupid, or that I should just... stop. Stop writing or whatever. I'll hear all about it.**  
**It's just getting harder and harder, and some inspiration would be kind of nice.  
Thanks for the inspiration, anyway, for those who support me. I love y'all!**  
**Best wishes from my writing to yours,**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	11. Hangover? Or Irritation?

Karkat's Perspective**

You're night had gone fantastically. John was next to you, though not consciously. He was asleep, curled up towards you (the driver), in the passenger seat. He was adorable, rather, and you found yourself glancing over at him at stoplights, or even just at long straight-stretches. You're really quite glad that _Prisciuto Belini's_ was 45 fucking minutes from the hive.

You pull into your driveway, parking your sleek little gray car behind Equius' navy jeep. You had 8 cars, out of all the trolls (and the humans had 3 between them). Only Gamzee, Terezi, Nepeta, and Tavros didn't have vehicles. Terezi and Tavros for obvious reasons... then again, Gamzee for obvious reasons too. Nepeta just got Equius to chauffeur her around everywhere, and it worked out quite well.  
You take a few moments to just watch John for a moment, him seemingly not alert in the slightest that you've come to a dead stop, engine off.  
Then you lean forward and kiss his forehead slightly.

Still not even close to being up, you lightly shake his shoulders.

"Egbert. Eeeegbeert... c'mon, let's get you inside. Maybe I'll come snuggle with you tonight if you cooperate," you tease, but honestly mean it. John's awake now, but still sleepy. He barely coherently makes some remark about how comfortable the seat is, and that if you're nice, he'll scoot over so you can join him.

"John, that seat is godawful and we both know it," you say, sighing. "Here, I've got a better idea."  
You open your door, and walk around to the other side. You open John's door, and reach over him to undo the belt-buckle. You then slip a hand under his knees, and a hand behind his back, and lift him out of the car.  
He stirs a bit more, but doesn't resist, instead choosing to turn towards your body, and wraps his arms around your neck to help with the weight. Not like it's substantial anyway, though, the guy couldn't have been more than 105. Considering he's at least 5 inches taller than you, you're grateful.  
You turn around with him in your arms, and kick the door shut again.

Fuck locking the car, nobody's going to bother with it. It's slightly cold out, and you just really want to go snuggle with John, okay?  
You ease back into the hive. Lights are still on, even though it's past 10, and you know booze and cards are out by the laughter from the kitchen area. You go around the kitchen into the living room. Kanaya sits in there, Feferi on her left, both reading books. They look up at you, see John, and stay quiet.

Again, you're grateful.  
You manage to get John into his bedroom. You lay him down on the bed, and ease the comforter out from under him, instead, throwing it on top of him. You gaze down on him, hoping he's comfortable. You turn the bedside lamp on, and the ceiling lights off, returning to John's side. You take to one knee, foot holding you up, the other knee slightly resting against the bed frame. You ease his glasses off. Putting them on the bedside table, you kiss his forehead again.

As leaderly as you are, you've never been good with words.  
As some would put it, your "love language" would be "Acts of Love". Someone once told you about the love languages.

1.) Gifts. Gifts made you happy if it was your love language, and to communicate affection to you, presents were the way to go.  
2.) Touches. Hugs, kisses, even hand-holding was this love language's gameplay. It was love in a physical sense, to say the least.  
3.) Quality Time. A mid-afternoon chat, or even a long-distance Skype was what this referred to. Someone with the love language of quality time would probably love more a good old heart-to-heart rather than anything else.  
4.) Acts of Love. Finally, your love language. Acts such as door opening, comforting letters when away, or even a planned picnic. Internally, this was what your romantic side wanted. Hell, even just a sideways glance from across a room was enough to make you swoon, theoretically.  
5.) The last love language: unknown. You couldn't remember to save your life.

This stuff was probably bologna anyway, you say to yourself as you nuzzle John's supersoft hair with your cheek.  
You realize he really is probably going to fall asleep soon. You painfully realize you'll have to wake him again. "John," you say, shaking him again, "I know you don't like it, but you really should wake up again. You shouldn't sleep in day clothes."  
He mumbles, but you throw the covers off of him.

So much for being relatively gentle.

"Okay, okay, I'm up..." he moans groggily, and you step out of the room to give him privacy, but to also change into some night clothes of your own. You generally only slept in your lovely blood-red boxers, but luckily you kept a spare of actual pajamas. Living with girls did something to you.  
You come back to his room, softly rapping on the door.

"Egbert, I'm coming back in," you say, mouth near the door. You come in to find that he hasn't moved a muscle. You grin despite yourself. He slightly grumbles to show he acknowledges you.  
"You haven't moved, let alone changed clothes," you say, coming into the room and shutting the door.  
"Yeh've," he drawls out.  
"Egbert. Don't make me do it myself," you say, eyebrows lowering and smirk growing. He turns over to you, grin also growing.

* * *

John's Perspective**

You stir, bed beside you cold. You realize Karkat must've left last night after you fell asleep, so you decide spread out across the *entire* thing. Because you can.  
Before long, you're out of bed, and you snap some clothes on, wash up a bit, and head out of your room to the kitchen.  
Rose is in there already, accompanied by Aradia, Kanaya, and Tavros.  
"Morning," you say as you walk in, openly, but not obnoxiously annoying for the fresh morning.  
They all nod you acknowledgement.  
You assume some rough hangovers and whatnot were going to be rampant this morning, as the early enthusiasm was lacking.

You pour yourself a mug of steaming coffee, and add your favorite creamer, Irish style. Besides Dave, you were the only one in the house who drank the stuff.  
It was so good, though!  
After a good 15 minutes, the unsteady flow of people comes either down from the trolls' stairs, or out of the human hallway. Half the group is practically dead to the world, and you don't expect any real communication with them.  
Karkat comes down eventually, and you share a smile. You stand up from your seat to go put your mug into the dishwasher, when you realize Dave is staring right at you.

You glance at him, and he tilts his head down. He... might still be looking at you? You don't know, you can never be sure with those shades he wears.  
Does he even take them off for conventional activities?

Basic chit-chatter of 'what's happening today?' and 'who's cooking tonight?' arise, and you start up a conversation with Jade, who is standing in full glory of dog p.j.'s opposite your little kitchen island.  
"Morning Jade," you say, closing the dishwasher and leaning your elbows against the island.  
"Morning John," she says, carefully sipping her piping hot tea. She casually turns to the side, facing the rest of the group that's up that are sitting at the table, or are standing in the area between the kitchen and the living room.

"So did you have any dreams last night?"  
"Uh uh," she utters out in reply, not really in words.  
"Well since it's a Saturday, maybe we could go do something this afternoon?"  
"Maybe."  
"Man, did you watch the Superbowl last night?"  
"Nope."  
Jade hasn't made eye-contact with you throughout this whole conversation.  
"Jade, is something wrong?" you say, finally addressing the alarming lack of communication you're getting.  
You finally get her to look at you. For a fraction of a second. For the other half of the fraction, you see... irritation?  
"Mm-mm."  
"Hahah," you say, trying to lighten the faltering mood, "maybe I'll talk to you when you're more awake."

You walk away to the living room unsatisfied. Jade's been up for an hour.

* * *

**Thank you. For all of you. I've decided to give a last "fuck you" to all of the people who are currently making me lose trust in anyone and everyone. It sucks to not have anyone to go to. For anyone out there that's reading this, and maybe's in a comparable situation, I just want to say that even if it might be hard, like you're going out of your comfort zone just by physical things (choosing to walk slightly away from your usual group, having to choose even a different fucking lunch table) it'll be worth it. You've gotta learn, I guess, like I'm doing, that you can never please everyone, and trying to do so will only **  
**seriously depress you. And if they depress you, they most certainly DO NOT deserve the lengths you are going to to keep everyone happy.**  
**If they ignore you, don't worry.**  
**If they don't care about you, don't worry. **  
**There's always going to be some place different you can go, and there will always be someone who cares even if it's somewhere or someone you totally didn't expect, and for once, I don't care what anyone says. Be a little selfish. If EVERY FUCKING THING YOU DO ENDS UP MAKING YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF, OR MAKES YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET, THEN IT'S TIME YOU TOOK SOME SELFISHNESS. LOVE *DOES NOT* MAKE YOU SELFISH. Shutting everyone out is selfish, but doing something that will ultimately save yourself isn't. Suicide is never EVER an answer. I don't even want to hear that it's "the only way out". That's bull. There is always just taking the apology you haven't gotten (and may never get) and accepting it. Even if you don't agree, or don't understand why they did what they did, forgiving is always an option. If things get drastic, that's when you get patient. You stay ahead of the game, focus on other things. Learn to code like a boss, start cooking like a boss, play the violin. Whatever to distract you from what makes you unhappy.  
For all this rambling, I'm feeling a little better about just letting go. **  
**Thanks for listening. This is personally the only way I can vent. It's a bit difficult having to divulge people you love to something this drastic. Having trusted my friends *that much* to only be met with disgust, I will not venture out for my family yet. **  
**Again, thank you.**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	12. Welcome to Your Intervention

John's Perspective**

"Morning Karkat," you say as you pass Karkat as you walk through the living room. Jade, as far as you can tell, is inevitably AWAKE which frustrates you because her answers are lucid ones. Karkat glances up over the rim of his coffee mug (to which the liquid he prefers blacker than his hair), and nods to you.  
You walk back through the human hallway, planning on taking a shower and doing... something. When was the last time you DID anything?  
You didn't know. It'd been a while.

You layer off your clothes and tuck into the steamy water.

* * *

Karkat's Perspective**

John had left the room about 5 minutes ago, and because of the squeaky hailing of the pipes, you recognize that he's gone to take a shower.

Maybe it was just you, but it looked like he was slightly off about something. What it was, who it concerned, or how severe it was, you had no clue. You just liked your coffee for the moment.

Something was off about your morning in the back of your head...  
Ah yes, the blasted television, high pitched whine and all was seeping quietly into your tranquility.

Whoever the fuckass was that was watching it had it at volume 28, about 13 notches too high for a good morning.  
"Hey Strider," you call to the dirtbag, "I know you're getting old, and your human ears are probably as suckish quality as a tone-deaf Bronchitis patient, but could you please pipe that the fuck down?"  
You pride yourself in the quite cunning retaliation, if you do say so yourself.

He mutely flicks the remote down, and you see the bar on the television drop to 22.  
...No response? Nothing? Not even a witty 'ironic' retort?  
Not that you'd EVER need anyone else, as you are clearly socially self-sufficient... why wasn't Strider engaging in foe-like word wars with you? It kept you sharp, and let you put him in his rightful place without violence.

That was probably your first clue as to something was acting up.  
Whatever.

You leave your armchair to drop the mug in the sink, to be washed later.  
"Kanaya," you say, approaching the side of the table opposite her in the kitchen, "did you get the e-mail I sent you on the report of the-"  
"Yes," she replies, still engrossed with something in the daily paper.  
"Well what did you think of it?"  
Kanaya just nods mutely, that little almost rythmic quadruple nod that usually means disinterest, circles something, and lifts her head, making eye contact with Rose. "Rose, could you be a dear and please explain to me why humans feel the need to express such vile things in public areas?"

Now you're just getting ticked. Nobody but John and Sollux have made eye-contact with you this morning. Usually you were knee-deep in facades of 'killing Strider with words', or 'where the fuck were you last night Gamzee', or whatever.  
What's the matter with people?

You hear John reappear in the scene, smelling like... waterfalls as he made his way into the kitchen.  
"I'm back everyone!" he says, dorkily making a scene by just coming back. You make sure to look him in the eyes when he comes back. You're the only one.  
You physically see John hesitate.

"I was thinking of doing something today, who's up for lunch at Keplan's, and then the new art exposition?" John is met with no response. "Rose?"  
Rose is now confronted by John's new tactic.  
"Maybe at another time," she replies, quickly looking at him, then back down at Kanaya's newspaper find.

"Well I'd fucking LOVE to go with you, John, as that's what this fucked up 'family'," you say, with air quotations and all, "is for." You take John's hand and lead him out the door. He stops following you when you go towards your silver car, instead looking over at his sky-blue Rav4. You hop in passenger's, him taking driver, and start up the car, slowly driving down your 1/3 mile driveway.

By the silent air of the vehicle, you can tell John's thinking.  
"Karkat... was it just me or were they not talking to us?"  
"Yeah, it was just you," you say, trying to be reassuring, "they must've just had a rough night with alcohol, or whatever."  
"Mmm," John hums, brow still furrowed in thought.

You look out the window.

In all actuality, though, they really weren't talking to you. I mean, clearly they'd TALK to you, but... they wouldn't... *talk*. Like, divulge and enjoy conversation type talk. But seriously, they probably did have fair quantities of alcohol last night.  
You keep repeating that last thought to yourself.

* * *

Sollux's Perspective**

You don't think you could have dug a better hole for John and Karkat to bury themselves in than if you had grabbed their hands for them and started digging.  
From your spot on the end of the couch closest the kitchen, but still seated in the living room, you get the full brunt of the gossip.

_Rose._ "They just left together."  
_Dave_. "They're leaving us? Oh my God. This is just getting old."  
_Jade_. "I just wish we didn't have to deal with this! What's gonna happen to the group?"  
_Kanaya_. "I don't understand how they assume to pursue this relationship."  
Then from the living room side:  
_Gamzee_. "Man, Karbro didn't sound too motherfuckin' happy to go."  
_Tavros_. "Wh-when do you think they'll be back?"  
_Eridan_. "It wwill probably take them a wwhile if they really are dating, if you knoww wwhat I mean."

Then something catches your alert in the kitchen. An escalating uproar of disapproval.

"This needs to stop! Ain't nothing gonna be left to salvage here in a few days!" calls Dave.  
"Dave, we do need to approach this delicately, it is John's feelings on the line here. But I do agree that I do not approve of him dating Karkat," Rose says, and you hear a rustle of newspaper.  
"I'm just scared that they're gonna leave! I mean, what if they end up getting serious! Getting married! Have little kiddies!" Jade is essentially in tears by this, distraught by the thought of losing the group.

"Alright, we gotta end this. It stops today. Rose, will you be our facilitator in this? I'm thinking we do this intervention-style, you butter him up at first, but then we talk to him together. Tell him the nonsense," spouts Dave again.  
"I'm unsure as to how quickly we are taking this, but if it saves the group, I will. I will need an update on software as to communicate to John compatibly tonight. Sollux? Can I ask a favor of you?"

For hearing your name in this, it takes all your willpower not to jump, exposing your eavesdropping cover.  
But now something different crosses your mind.  
If if works, Karkat owes you.

If it doesn't, then you're pretty much screwed on both sides of this blooming war.

"And jutht what do you want? To break up John and Karkat?"  
Rose, however expected to be composed, is easily conspicuous of being caught off-guard.  
"In essence, I believe, that is what our goal is to become, and to keep together this balmy crew."  
"Dandy. That'th jutht the ethenthe of friendship and actheption, ithn't it? What great friendth you are. Count me out," you say, and turn back to the monitor of the television, feigning interest.

You think Karkat would be quite proud of your defiant rebuttal. But your pride is short-lived. Your assistance is not absolutely required; no doubt they would find some way to confront John and Karkat this evening without your help.

They were about to get absolutely crushed by the people they trusted most. And you knew this impending doom better than anyone, if you don't say.  
You know just how much opinions mean to people (especially fragile little Karkat), and that if you as a group didn't accept them, on this messed up world, nobody else would.

And perhaps disapproval was a worse fate than solitute.

* * *

**...Is it sick of me to be shocked that people are actually caring about me? I realize just how much of a pity-party I've been up in here, and I hate it. I'll try and tone down the self-sorry from now on. I would like to mention, though, that solely a handful of you have expressed more worry for me than my 'friends' have in 3 months, even after I was considering suicide, self-harm, fell into a medicated depression, and had a panic attack. **  
**You guys are more friends to me than my own 'friends' of 4+ years. **  
**I think that's something beautiful about the internet. You all come from different countries, different backrounds, different ages, genders, sexualities. And you still care. You don't even know me.**

**I'm beginning to think of Fate as this goddess, okay? And maybe that's my deity. And she led me into loving another female, into having met the certain people I have, even into writing this and meeting you lovely people. But this whole ordeal has really taught me a few lessons about trust (not to mention my own sexuality). It's also taught me about FRIENDSHIP. LOYALTY. LOVE. *ACCEPTION*. **  
**All those childhood things you made fun of for being sappy. I think I've finally come to terms with them, even if it doesn't even really solve my situation. And for that I really needed something like this story as help: something where I didn't know anyone, and I could just literally BE MYSELF. I mean, I'm practically spilling my heart on my work here, writing this in my own blood, and you're tolerating it! There's hope for me in the nook of the internet (troll pun intended), as small as it may be.**

**So if anything, thank you for putting up with my sorry self.**  
**Now back to your regularly scheduled angsty, teen, hormone-filled writing.**  
**Best wishes from my writing to yours.**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	13. Hoaxy Poaxy (I don't even know, okay)

Karkat's Perspective**

You were really not looking back to going home again. Meandering through town did get you a few hours alone with John, though. Still, you were early in the relationship, so you weren't going to push anything just yet.  
But still, you had to go back to the hive at some point.

John was walking through a park, blush enveloping a good part of his cheeks. You could actually grin internally when you saw this.

_-Flash back, maybe, two minutes?-_  
_There you are, walking with John through the park. You've just completed the 1/2 mile park circuit, and you're going back to your car. There are a few people mulling about, a few kids with parents, a photographer capturing the scene of the sunset, and the odd biker you passed a few moments ago._  
_He irked you because he kept staring at you as you approached him._

_Not one to be tolerant with this, you took John's hand into your own (no doubt at least slightly blushing) but you did so confidently. The near capsizing of the biker's transportation was well earned. Not to mention you love offering people just how many fucks you give to their weird looks._  
_-Back to present-_

The parking lot was now in sight. You could feel John's hesitation, and the slight slowing down of his pace.  
It seemed you weren't the only one reluctant to go home.  
No matter, you still got in the car and started the traverse.

About 10 minutes into the ride, your phone vibrates. You unbuckle to reach into your pocket, John glancing over, and observe the glossy screen. Someone was pestering you over Pesterchum.  
You bring up the tab immediately, and you see it's from Terezi.

-[GC] started pestering [CG]-  
GC: HEY K4RKL3S  
CG: HELLO TEREZI. WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
GC: RUD3, MUCH! BUT 4NYW4YS... 1'V3 GOTT4 T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG  
CG: WHAT  
GC: W3LL, TH4T'S TH3 TH1NG. 1T'S NOT R34LLY GOOD.

Uh oh. You didn't like the way this was heading. You glance over at John, who you were peripherally able to tell was looking at you.  
"It's just Terezi, don't worry."

GC: D1DN'T SOLLUX T3LL YOU NOT TO T3LL 4NYON3 4BOUT YOU 4ND JOHN?  
CG: I HAVEN'T. JOHN JUST TOLD STRIDER, WHO JOHN SAID WAS TRUSTWORTHY.  
GC: ...4ND TH3R3'S TH3 F4T4L FL4W. D4V3 TOLD 3V3RYON3. 4ND H3'S... SH1T  
CG: WAIT. WHAT. I'M ASSUMING WE'VE BEEN TURNED INTO SOME URBAN STYLE DRAMA, AND IT'S ALSO THE REASON THEY WOULD HARDLY LOOK US IN THE EYE THIS MORNING.  
GC: Y34H, 4ND... 1T'S WORS3 TH4N TH4T. TH3Y'R3... PL4NN1NG.  
CG: PLANNING WHAT.  
GC: YOU N33D TO KNOW 1'M NOT CONDON1NG TH1S  
CG: DAMNIT TEREZI WHAT ARE THEY PLANNING.  
GC: TH3Y'R3 PL4NN1NG TO BR34K YOU 4ND JOHN UP.

* * *

John's Perspective**

Karkat's messing with his phone, and occasionally you can hear the alert tone of a response.  
Terezi, however, is really upsetting him. He's been getting more and more tense throughout the car ride. It only takes about 30-ish minutes to get back to the house from the park, and you hope whatever's troubling him now doesn't stem from there.  
But you know it does.

"John."  
You chance a look at him while you drive, safe in the right-hand lane behind a large moving truck. He doesn't look too happy.  
"We need to go somewhere else."  
You're stunned. "Karkat, what do you-"  
"We need to get an apartment or something."  
"Karkat, what's going on, you're scaring me," you plead, taking your exit off the highway that WOULD lead back to the house, but you pull into the parking lot of a mattress store to be fully into this conversation.  
"John, you told Strider we were dating, right? That asshole went off and told everyone. They're planning on breaking us up," Karkat's looking out the front windshield this whole time. If you were to believe your eyes, Karkat was slightly tearing up.

"You... you're kidding, right?"  
"Dumbass! I wouldn't kid about something like this!" He chucks his phone into your lap like it had the plague, and brings his knees up to his chest, where he promptly buries his face and circles his arms around his head.  
You look at the phone.

It's a conversation between Karkat and Terezi.  
-[GC] started pestering [CG]-  
GC: HEY K4RKL3S  
CG: HELLO TEREZI. WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
GC: RUD3, MUCH! BUT 4NYW4YS... 1'V3 GOTT4 T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG  
CG: WHAT  
GC: W3LL, TH4T'S TH3 TH1NG. 1T'S NOT R34LLY GOOD.  
GC: D1DN'T SOLLUX T3LL YOU NOT TO T3LL 4NYON3 4BOUT YOU 4ND JOHN?  
CG: I HAVEN'T. JOHN JUST TOLD STRIDER, WHO JOHN SAID WAS TRUSTWORTHY.  
GC: ...4ND TH3R3'S TH3 F4T4L FL4W. D4V3 TOLD 3V3RYON3. 4ND H3'S... SH1T  
CG: WAIT. WHAT. I'M ASSUMING WE'VE BEEN TURNED INTO SOME URBAN STYLE DRAMA, AND IT'S ALSO THE REASON THEY WOULD HARDLY LOOK US IN THE EYE THIS MORNING.  
GC: Y34H, 4ND... 1T'S WORS3 TH4N TH4T. TH3Y'R3... PL4NN1NG.  
CG: PLANNING WHAT.  
GC: YOU N33D TO KNOW 1'M NOT CONDON1NG TH1S  
CG: DAMNIT TEREZI WHAT ARE THEY PLANNING.  
GC: TH3Y'R3 PL4NN1NG TO BR34K YOU 4ND JOHN UP.  
CG: YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.  
GC: W3LL SOLLUX 4ND 1 4R3 WORK1NG ON 4 SOLUT1ON!  
CG: I'M FINALLY HAPPY. AND THESE FUCKNUTS ARE GOING TO BREAK US UP.  
GC: K4RK4T TH3Y 4R3N'T TH4T B4D, TH3Y JUST W4NT TO K33P TH3 GROUP TOG3TH3R!  
CG: KEEP US TOGETHER BY SPLITTING US UP. I'D CALL THAT IRONIC, BUT I'D CHOKE ON THE BILE THAT'S COMING BACK UP MY NUTRITION TUBE.  
GC: WH4T DO YOU PL4N TO DO?  
CG: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? GO BACK TO THE HIVE SO THEY CAN IGNORE US AND JUDGE US SOME MORE?  
GC: M4YB3 YOU JUST N33D TO T4LK TO TH3M! TH3Y'R3 R34LLY JUST SC4R3D TH4T YOU'LL BR34K UP, OR G3T S3RIOUS 4ND L34V3  
GC: OOOH K4RKL3S~ :]  
GC: 4R3 YOU G3TT1NG S3R1OUS W1TH JOHN?  
CG: TEREZI, I SWEAR. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ASSAULT ME WITH YOUR INCESSANT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY LOVE-LIFE.  
GC: R1GHT  
CG: I NEED TO ASK YOU AND SOLLUX A FAVOR. I'M GOING TO ASK JOHN TO GET A DIFFERENT PLACE WITH ME, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE. CAN YOU COLLECT SOME OF OUR THINGS?  
GC: L1K3 TOOTHBRUSH3S 4ND STUFF  
CG: YES. I WAS ALSO THINKING THINGS LIKE *CLOTHES*. AND *MONEY*.  
GC: NOW WHY WOULD 4 CH4RM1NG GUY SUCH 4S YOURS3LF N33D MON3Y?  
CG: TEREZI.  
GC: SORRY, SORRY

How could you not believe Karkat after this? But...  
You confessed to Dave. And he was disgusted? And told everyone? And is planning to break you up?

Why... why would he do that?  
You thought he was a friend.  
But the one guy you could trust... is planning to break you up.

You type back to Terezi.

CG: hey terezi this is john!  
GC: JOHN? WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG ON K4RKL3S' PHON3? :]  
CG: well... i dont really think an apartment or hotel is the best idea, really  
CG: we have to go back  
GC: COM3 B4CK? WH4T DO YOU PL4N TO DO 1F TH3Y CONFRONT YOU?  
CG: you could say i'm still in shock! but... i've got an idea.  
CG: i thought everyone was our friends.  
CG: maybe if we tell them it was just a hoax? and hope things can be like normal?  
GC: DO YOU R34L1Z3 HOW MUCH BR34K1NG UP W1TH K4RKL3S TO K33P OTH3RS H4PPY 1S 4 B4D 1D34?  
CG: that's the thing! we're not really breaking up! heheheh, we're going to PRETEND like we're breaking up

You look over at Karkat again, who is still tucked up into himself. You reach over and rub a hand over his back.  
"Hey Karkat, look, I know that this is raw, and stuff, but we can make this work! Look, I've got an idea."  
He lifts his head up a little, and you tilt the phone in his direction. He moves a hand out to get a better view.

You hear him slightly gasp a little as he reads it.  
"John, I swear, I thought you were serious in wanting to date me," he says, frustrating just increasing.  
"Keep reading, silly!"  
He keeps reading.  
"Oh."  
"Mhm."  
"Do... do you think it will work?"  
"Do you want it to work?"

That was a good question for both of you.  
Stay with your 'friends' to keep them happy and keep your relationship secret, to never to have the courage to confide in anyone again, or keep up your relationship and lose every friend you had made for the better part of 5 years (save Sollux and Terezi).

* * *

**Ah, yes, the brutal one-or-the-other choice. Unfortunately, I was never braved with this event myself. My 'friends' had confronted me over Facebook, rather, and had literally told me "it's the relationship or us", and that if we chose the relationship (to save what little scraps of happiness we could get out of this), we were "selfish" anyways, and didn't deserve the friendship. And so began the saga of rapid texts between my girlfriend and I: **  
**"Bro, I don't know if I could handle not having friends any more. What are we going to do?"**  
**Her: "I don't know! This is a lose-lose situation their paradox has wrapped us in!"**  
**"Maybe we can lie, tell them we broke up."**  
**"Let them have the satisfaction of thinking they won; they broke us up."**  
**"If you don't mind 'breaking up' with me."**  
**And so we did. And then they were relatively okay.**  
**Then they started ignoring us. So the whole thing was kind of a blow-off. I mean, we did what they wanted and we still weren't accepted? So now we're in the stages of "fuck you all, thanks a bunch" and yeah it's just barrels of fun.**  
**Oh lookie there, I wasted another 200 words on a sob-story. **  
**Shit.**  
**Well. I think that since I can vent here, maybe I actually should just not care and type. **  
**Yeah. Sorry. You're gonna have to deal with my emotional-ass self if you want to read this emotional-ass piece of literature XD**  
**ANYWAYS Best wishes from my writing to yours. **  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	14. Pain, in Two Ways

Karkat's Perspective**

You're... scared. You don't like to admit it, but that's what you are. A big ball of hurt, and you're terrified of losing John, or your friends. It stung to have your friends be disgusted with you, but having to act like it was a joke... you don't know how well you could play this out.

Sure you had developed your emotion level to be pretty veiled... but you're honestly so hurt you don't know what to do.

_C'mon Karkat_, you say to yourself. _If you start getting weak now, John'll just leave you, and then you'll REALLY have nothing to fight for._  
But if a friend group of 5 years (and then some) could be split up as easily as one inter-species relation... are they worth being friends with? And if they weren't, what would you do, just leave? Rip John away from a place to finally call home after that godforsaken game?  
You weren't that cruel.

John, still trying to be your hero, had a small smile on his face.  
He catches you looking at him.  
"C'mon Karkat!" he says, removing a hand from the steering wheel, placing it on yours that was resting on the armrest. "This way, we can still date! Maybe even in the future, they'll change their minds."

You really, really doubted that.  
But you had to stay as strong for John as he was being for you.

* * *

John's Perspective**

Karkat is super upset. More *real* pain than after a particularly upsetting romcom (dear God watching the Notebook with him was rough), and more internal than his regular self-criticism.  
How on earth do you cheer up your gay boyfriend after all his friends think what he's doing is wrong? Let alone the rest of the damn society around you. I mean, EVERYONE was supporters of gay rights in your group. Some were already fucking dating! But then just because yours struck something in them, you don't even KNOW what, now it was okay to abandon you?  
You were going to be sick that night, and you knew it.

At the age of 10, you were diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), and fell into a 2 and 1/2 year medicated depression, during which you finally found Pesterchum, and started meeting new people. You also lost 20 pounds (that you already needed), and nightmares raged rampantly.  
You were a wreck.  
Some of the symptoms had started early: morning sickness, nausea in general, and sudden onslaughts of splitting headaches.  
It was coming back and you weren't too happy.

You pull up into the covered walkway that served as a carport for the house. You turn off the engine.  
"...How should we do this?"  
He hesitates, then mumbles, "Maybe we should go to the fucking library for a book on how to deal with your friends hating you."

You... you wanted to say that 'that wasn't right', or maybe even 'Karkat, c'mon be reasonable' or SOMETHING that would ease some of this awful, awful pain. No words came to mind. This was something you couldn't fix for him.

"Okay, so here's the plan. We just go back to our rooms and wait for them to talk to us. Terezi said they'd talk over Pesterchum, right? So... when they do, we'll just say it was a-"  
"-big happy joke. We actually just wanted a good laugh, guys. Let's just forget this happened."

Karkat's bitterness was almost as bad as having lost trust in everyone.

* * *

Dave's Perspective**

You hear the car arrive home again, and you peek out the kitchen windows. The car reverses to straighten out, then park, and the lights fade.  
"Guys," you call through the house, "they're back."  
Everyone is seated in the livingroom. You've got high hopes for this little talk. Maybe they'll understand where you're coming from.

You are still most certainly not jealous.

You trek on back to your room, as do most of the people in the livingroom. You roll up to your desk, opening Pesterchum, ready to add John and Karkat to the memo you had set up: "we need to talk".  
You hear the door open.

John's faltering voice: "Hey guys, we're home!"  
Door slamming, that was probably Karkat. He immediately books it for the stairs.  
Nobody answers John, and you hear him retreat to his room, as does Karkat. You're perplexed. Why aren't they talking to anyone?

Vexed, you wait.  
Predictably, you see John and Karkat's Pesterchum 'online' tag appear. Everything's set in place, you say to yourself, checking the rest of the people online.  
Rose. Tavros. Jade. Kanaya. Gamzee. Feferi. Eridan. Vriska.  
Equius, Nepeta, and Aradia really didn't give a shit, and Sollux and Terezi were clearly on John and Karkat's side.  
But you still had a decent sized crew.

And it was now or never.

-[TG] reaffirmed "we need to talk"-

AT: i'M REALLY NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS  
TT: I don't believe any of us are. But this is for the best, remember. We need to remain calm and thoughtful, but firm.  
TG: im adding them

-[EB] and [CG] were added to "we need to talk"-  
EB: uh, hey guys, what's up?  
TT: We're just here to have a word, John. You as well, Karkat.  
CG: THEN SAY SOMETHING.  
TG: well we know youre dating  
GA: Dave Alerted Us All To The News  
AG: And we needed to talk to you two about it. 8ecause we think it's... not a good idea.  
GG: we just want to keep everyone together!  
CG: HA. HAHAH.  
TT: What's so funny, Karkat?  
EB: should we tell them, karkat? :B  
CG: THE FUCKING JOKE'S ON YOU.  
TG: what

_What do they mean the joke's on us?_

EB: i guess we should say. we were never really dating!

_What._

EB: i think nanna would be quite proud of me!  
TT: Really, now. And Karkat, you were in on this?  
CG: UNFORTUNATELY.  
AT: sO IT WAS, uH, JUST A JOKE?  
EB: yep!  
CG: JOHN, THIS WAS YOUR WORST FUCKING IDEA EVER. NONE OF THESE DIMWITS EVEN GOT IT UNTIL NOW. YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  
GG: i did!  
AG: I did too ::::/  
TG: make me three  
TT: Yes.  
EB: oh wow  
GA: You're Act Was Very Convincing

_Was it REALLY just a joke? Hot damn, they had you convinced._

* * *

John's Perspective**

You realize throughout this whole thing that Karkat was telling the truth. That it was your "WORST FUCKING IDEA EVER". You know just how torn up he is by this: the one group he could trust, and (as much as he would dismiss it) respected: they were willing to give that up in the matter of 4 days.  
You take a deep breath, but hesitate.  
You can't really do that; you're bawling something awful, and your nose is congested.

You leave your chair and beat it for your personal bathroom. Lights on, and you realize just how awful you look. Eyes puffy and red, cheeks damp, and you're  
borderline hyperventilating now. You just can't stop crying.

Suddenly you feel nauseated, worse than when you were 10 as far as you can remember, and you lean against the sink. Your pulse is racing, your wrist in time with it. You feel pangs there.

Closing your eyes, you blindly yank a washcloth out from under the faucet, dampening it, and applying it to your mouth,  
forehead, and upper neck.  
It must've been too late though, as the next thing you know, you're emptying your stomach into the toilet next to you. It feels awful, though, there was nothing there in the first place as you hadn't eaten dinner quite yet.

You felt so awful.

But you were also overwhelmingly alone. If you asked for Karkat to come, you had no doubts he would. It would just be suspicious as hell. You really weren't in the mood to ask Rose, Dave, or Jade, though. Obvious reasons.  
You clean yourself up, and stagger back over to your laptop.  
By subtle hints in his text, Karkat has taken notice of your leave. Besides that, nothing else has really developed except what you expected: "It was a joke?!" and "YES, NOW THAT JOHN HAS HAD HIS LAUGH, PLEASE TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON HIM", etc.

You... honestly don't feel like doing anything. You just want to cry. You have never wanted to just bawl before, but here you are.  
You turn for your bed to lay down. You do, and curl up, your knees covering your chest. The pain of your contorted back is nothing compared to your heart and trust.  
Your mind starts working way too quickly.

_Besides Karkat, Sollux, and Terezi, you can't trust anyone anymore._  
_Your friends were willing to sacrifice you and Karkat's feelings for the sake of the group._  
_If Karkat decides he doesn't like you anymore, what have you got to live for?_

You let the last one linger.  
_What've you got to live for? _  
You mentally slap yourself, and berate the thought relentlessly. I've got Karkat, and our friends, and...  
That's all you need.  
That's all you need.  
That's *all* you need.

No matter how many times you repeat this to yourself, it's like layering a cake. It's just the coating, the sugary-sweet topping. You can't get the thoughts out of your head. You can't stop it, and you know they're only going to get worse.  
But for Karkat, you've got to stay strong. Peering into your bathroom, you realize you've left the light on (a habit in which you've been doing a lot).

You just make out something you had left on the counter in your fit of rage and confusion. It glints at you hauntingly, and you're slighly alarmed you even have it out. Someone once told you that pain can cancel pain out. If you get a papercut, a light pinch further up your arm can take the pain away, as the pain receptors focus on the more imminent threat.

You weren't sure if physical pain could block out your emotional hurt, but the bleeding scar on the top of your foot showed your try.  
You glance once more at the blade on your sink.  
Your dad would be upset. Karkat would think you were a blithering idiot. You yourself even thought it disgusting.  
Years before, if someone told you that self harm could feel even remotely relieving, you'd disregard it. You'd pity them, for believing such a thing.

Now, as you sit here, trying to focus on your foot, you understand.  
Comparably, this pain is not worse.

The distraction and the humming of your fan ease you into the worst sleep you've had in years.  
You were so out you didn't hear the *beep* of a new chat starting up on your laptop.

-[CG] started pestering [EB]-  
CG: JOHN.  
CG: PLEASE TALK TO ME.  
CG: I KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU'RE UPSET.  
CG: YOU JUST LEFT, FUCKER.  
CG: IF YOU NEED IT, JUST... KNOW THAT I REALLY LOVE YOU.  
CG: OKAY?  
CG: AND THIS IS JUST A BUMP IN OUR FUCKING LESS TRAVELED ROAD.  
CG: AND WE HAVE TO BE ADULTS HERE.  
CG: BECAUSE IF YOU FADE, AND ALL THAT'S LEFT ARE THESE FUCKERS WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR FUCKING EMOTIONS...  
CG: I'VE REALLY GOT NOTHING ELSE.  
CG: SOLLUX AND TEREZI ARE PRETTY OKAY, I GUESS.  
CG: BUT... JOHN I NEED YOU.  
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY FUCKING KNOCKED OUT RIGHT NOW. THAT'S OKAY.  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, ASSFUCK.  
-[CG] ceased pestering [EB]-

-[CG] started pestering [EB]-  
CG: 3  
-[CG] ceased pestering [EB]-

* * *

**Guys, okay, I'm just gonna... UGH why. Why am I doing this to myself. Yes, I did cut myself. John is taking on my qualities, essentially for this chapter. (Give or take my situation was over a few more days than his, but the thoughts were the same.) I want to make clear IF YOU EVEN THINK I CONDONE CUTTING, PLEASE **  
**PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT. It may feel like it's helpful, like, at all, but it's not. It'll just make you feel weak, physically and mentally.**  
**Nobody talked me out of it. **  
**Nobody held me and told me it was gonna be okay. **  
**But you know what? It hits you, after a few seconds, that that's just not okay. You're literally hurting yourself in more ways than one. So if you do, and you read this, just stop. PM me. Just let me talk to you for a few. Because although my sitation is probably not the same you're going through, pain is pain. A little bird told me pain can sometimes cancel out pain. Let me cancel out some of yours. Because I'm tired of seeing people in pain.  
**  
**Being in pain makes you think differently, and I just want people to feel okay. Damn, I want to make as many people happy as I can. I swear things will get better in the story. The chapters might be a little harder to write, as I haven't gone through the 'getting better' stage. But seriously. **  
**I'm exhausted. **  
**And I'm trying, though, that's something! **  
**So for all you guys out there encouraging me, thank you. It's just really... really fucking hard. And I'm sad. But you're seriously one of the best remedies there is. Thank you SO much.**  
**Best wishes from my writing to yours.**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	15. Masquerade (Perhaps Filler-ish)

Karkat's Perspective**

Your choked sob escapes you in a rush, and you exert more energy trying to get your breathing normal than you'd like.  
You log out of Pesterchum, and turn your chair around to face your bed.

More than likely, John was already asleep. You were wondering just how bad he was taking it, if you were borderline hysteric. _He's probably not worried_, you say, as you begin to layer off your clothes,_ I mean, really, he was John._  
You, on the other hand... you didn't know what to think. How the fuck you ended up in this mess was beyond you. A week ago, you were dandy, and everyone else was, according to the status quo. Which spirals down to something even less desirable: if you hadn't let your emotions get the better of you, you and John wouldn't be in this. You'd never had to pretend to be someone else for your friends, and you'd never have had to change all the raging opinions.

You're now comfortable (as you can be) in your pajamas, little red crabs with interlacing claws as the pants, an oversized red shirt to top it off.  
They were a present from John.

How you wish you could lay down, even if only for a little while, and have him next to you. The only soothing thing you could think of was his presence, the one forbidden thing for you currently.  
You weren't going to sleep well.  
You downed some Benadryl, and took out your tattered notebook from under your nightstand. 6 years ago, you had started this. That was mostly when you figured out how flagrantly homosexual you were, and in an already condemning society, times were pretty tough.  
You didn't really like to go back and look at those entries. Instead, you flip to the point you keep your red pen at, and push back some of the intruding hair from your forehead.

After a few minutes of documenting all of your shitty emotions, decisions, and overall well-being, you could feel the Benadryl kicking in, and decide to call it quits. You chuck the notebook and pen to the floor, keeping up with your page, and fall asleep.

**(still Karkat, just later in the night, roughly 3:45, I'll say.)

You wake up to beeping.  
Your computer, from now on dubbed Beelzebub, is harassing your ears with awful chimings.  
Thank God you had the decency last night to at least turn it down a bit. You slide out of bed, quite literally, and crawl on all fours over to your chair, where you pull yourself up with your arms.

Alarmed, blue text covers your screen. You sit more alertly in the chair.

-[EB] started pestering [CG]-  
EB: karkat look i'm sorry, i know it's early  
EB: but i'm scared  
EB: i'm on my dad's old pda  
EB: and i just had a nightmare  
EB: i killed myself, then when people found my suicide body they started laughing  
EB: and i know it's silly  
EB: but it just feels like you're the only one i've got right now  
EB: and i'm so sad, i don't know what to do  
EB: please, please, if you're awake, come talk to me, even if you're grumpy  
-[EB] ceased pestering [CG]-

Thank God Beelzebub woke you up. You will now refer to your hubtop as something less awful. 'Romney' worked.  
You hurriedly reply to John. You had no clue how terrified he must be, a dream where nobody cared if you died. You want to wrap him up right now, tell him it'll be okay. You have to take a situation like this calmly, though. You grab a flashlight out of the depths of your closet.  
As it is 3:47, according to your desktop clock, you've gotta stay pretty quiet, too.

You click on the flashlight, taking great care to aim it low to the floor, only highlighting where you need. You take the steps two at a time. In less than no time, your feet find the floor. You round the corner-  
"Karkat? What are you doing up and in a hurry?"  
Damn everything and everyone. It's Rose.

"Better question is what're you doing up?" Your retort does not faze her.  
"I'm restless. But it seems you've delicately evaded MY question." she looks at you expectantly.  
"I'm fucking thirsty. Here to arrest me, officer?"  
"No, I'm actually headed to the living room for a good read and some quiet. Have fun quenching yourself," she whisper calls as she leaves for the living room. That room is in direct sight of the entryway to the human hallway. You can't get to John without being seen.

Angrily, but still quietly, you pour yourself a glass of water and down it in one go. You actually were kind of thirsty.  
You pace angrily back up the steps and to your room.  
3:52.

-[CG] started pestering [EB]-  
CG: JOHN.  
CG: I'M HERE.  
EB: hey karkat  
CG: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.  
EB: ookay?  
CG: YOU'RE DREAM IS BULLSHIT.  
CG: EVEN IF THE ASSHOLES DON'T ACT LIKE THEY CARE RIGHT NOW, IT'S JUST THIS RELATIONSHIP, I GUESS.  
CG: THEY CARE ABOUT YOU.  
CG: DON'T EVEN THINK THEY DON'T.  
CG: AND I'M SORRY I COULDN'T COME TO YOUR ROOM. ROSE IS A FUCKING EXCELLENT GUARD KEEPER.  
CG: IF I COULD, YOU'D BE IN MY EMBRACE AS WE SPEAK.  
CG: JUST STAY STRONG UNTIL TOMORROW, EGBERT.  
CG: WE'LL GET OUT OF HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE NONCHALANTLY, BE OURSELVES AGAIN IN THE MIDST OF ALL THE MASKING OF EMOTIONS.  
CG: THE MASQUERADE IS OUT OF SEASON, FOLKS.  
CG: HAVE YOUR DAMN NON-REFUNDABLE TICKETS BACK.  
EB: ...  
EB: i don't know why all the others said you were uncaring. you're the best when it comes to cheering people up!  
CG: I'M FUCKING ECSTATIC.  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, JOHN. IT'S 4:00 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. YOU AND I SHOULD BOTH GET TO SLEEP.  
EB: i know. you're right. goodnight, karkat :B  
CG: GOODNIGHT, JOHN.  
-[CG] ceases pestering [EB]-

Well, at least you can cyber comfort him.  
You don't know what was worse, the pain of John thinking nobody cared about him, or the fact that you are helpless to comfort him. You never think you've felt such violent thoughts for your friends before. What kind of friends do this? _Not good ones_, you deadpan.

You should probably stick to your own advice, though. Get some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be hard, and you and John would probably have to coordinate on some things for the more observant members of the opposing party.  
You felt like hopping out the second story window. If you could walk after that? You'd be out of there.

If you couldn't? Well... everyone dies sometime. And you were just one person. The world, and obviously your friends, didn't need you.  
However, your body remained in the tangled bedsheets for another night.

* * *

**Hi everyone. I think if any chapters on here WERE to be a filler, it'd be this one. I'd like to think that all chapters have an essential purpose, but this one is mostly to entertain the idea that you need to understand John and Karkat's fumbling relationship. Also, sorry if I offended **  
**anyone with the Romney joke. I don't want to make anyone feel wrong for having their own opinions.**  
**John is clearly... off. Karkat is not faring much better, but they both try to comfort each other. They are both torn up about having to hide themselves for the sake of keeping people happy.**  
**Nobody likes your real personality, they think. **  
**You can't make friends if you be yourself, they think.**  
**It takes a special kind of cruelty for your actual self to think such things.**

**I am eternally grateful to you guys. Your support is never lacking. Sometimes I wonder what the larger element of this story is, sorting my own personal problems out, or convincing myself that if I finish this with a happy ending, my own will follow suit. It's not likely to, I ****guarantee that. Personal update, apparently on Thursday afternoon (since we had Friday out of school), they declared their official "The group feels tense and awkward, and it's time to go our seperate ways". Seperate as in my girlfriend and I leave, and they give us the ****cold shoulder. One even moved to a different spot in an assigned-seat class. I know it sounds frivolous, I mean you're in a depression and you're worrying about people changing seats? But the thing is, they're isolating me. And in those moments, it's hard to feel anything ****happy. Secret: I think of you guys when I'm especially hurt; all the kind things you've said, and all the encouragement. But the people around me are making it difficult to think of anything but the lost friendship. The one I clearly am not necessary in, and the fact that they ****probably won't miss me. Being not needed is awful. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever done. For those of you trying to help me, I really am thankful. But... there's a difference between knowing people, them knowing you, and being able to toss you away so easily. **  
**The internet can be decieving, you are the most accepting people I'VE EVER met. But the bittersweet aftertaste of something like this is... when people actually get to know you, the real you, not just over the internet, you can never trust them not to up and leave because they don't like a trait of you.**  
**These are the only people I knew. And they blew me off for being me. I'm sickened, and sad, and I guess just numb.**

**Fate might be trying to make me stronger. It might be a test to see just how much emotional pressure I can take. I'm just getting close to being non-functional. The only scary thing about the whole thing: I'm not scared to lose myself. EVERYONE needs to be scared to lose themselves. I know it's hypocritical but... oh well. I'm not associating with them anymore. I'm meeting new people. I guess you could say I'm turning over a new leaf, but the leaf right above me is full of water. One stray move, all the water falls, and I'm drenched again, back to square one. **

**If I had to say one thing, I guess my only request is... don't leave me. Please.**  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


	16. Escalating Detours

John's Perspective**

You woke up in the morning, and before you knew it, were in the bathroom again, sick to your stomach. Once you regained your balance and your nausea was under control, you looked at yourself. Pathetic. Your eyes were still red, and the sleep did nothing, you were still exhausted. Leaning on your elbows, you place your face in your hands, massaging the skin and your puffy eyes. You open them, not really to see, but to have them open. You see the blade on your counter. Your dream last night haunts you.  
You recall even earlier last night, and what you did to yourself. You lean back just enough to see the top of your foot; it's still pink, but it's not open anymore. It could probably use some disinfectant and a bandage, however light.

Busying yourself with that, you sit in your computer chair and fire it up. You see Pesterchum has been left open, and unchecked messages litter a conversation.  
Karkat had tried to talk to you, but you were wallowing in self-pity. He was really concerned about you, which made you feel even more disgraceful. It was time to man up.

Packing up your laptop into a travel bag and your violin in its case, you heft both over a shoulder, and waltz out to the main room. Surprisingly, no one's in there. You peek into the kitchen. Still, no one. You realize why as you glance at the clock; not even the early risers are up at 5:46.  
You chuckle, thinking about someone like Dave or Karkat up at 5:40 whatever, and grab your car keys off the hook in the walkway.  
You step down the front steps to your car, and hop right in. You pull slowly out of the driveway, careful not to let the revving of the engine get too loud.

You're far away before anyone wakes up.

* * *

Dave's Perspective**

Some IDIOT decided to go for a drive or whatever at 5:00 in the fucking morning. Fucking moron.  
You slither to the side of your bed, closest to your window, and seperate two of the blinds with your fingers. It's a light-blue Rav4.  
"John..." you grumble. Where did he have to go at a time like this?

You'd been thinking a lot about John, lately, and it irked you. He wasn't extremely attractive, to say the least, and he wasn't always the brightest apple on the tree, but he lingered with people. He smiled, even when jokes or puns weren't funny, and listened, even if it was utter bullshit, or someone had already told him that story. As close as you were, you could be lovers. John might have even been gay, for all you knew.

You really thought he was dating Karkat.

You had every reason to sigh reassuredly when you found out they weren't. Last night was when you realized the big reason why, though. You'd been in love with John for years. At first, it WAS puppy love. Just the look in his eyes, or his gentle, kind heart. Then it got to be more. It got to be appreciation of his ugly side, which you prided yourself in having seen it most often.  
Not even appreciation, really, but love of.  
Love of some of the bullshit he spewed, love of the insecurities he had.

It scared you, really, how much John didn't realize your feelings. It was getting harder, admittedly, to mask them. But now that he wasn't dating Karkat... maybe you didn't have to hide, anymore.  
You uncomfortably acknowlege just how bad you have to pee, at this point.

You glance over at your bathroom door. Mounds of clothes lay piled against the walls, and you could see the moldy sink from where you were.  
John's bathroom it was. You heave yourself out of bed, stagger drunkenly over to your door, and kick it open. You do the same to John's door, which is two feet away from the doorframe of yours. Queue the rampant Nic Cage poster flutterings.  
His room is much cleaner than yours, and you easily make it over to the bathroom, and flick the lights on. Immediately, your eyes are drawn to a shine of light reflecting to you from his counter. You stare for a minute, then lift your shades to reassure your eyes.

Your body involuntarily steps backwards, and before you know it, you're flat on your ass.

No longer is peeing your main priority; finding your phone is.

* * *

John's Perspective**

After a two-hour long drive, you finally found it. Your "hiding" spot. A while ago, you had just been extremely bored when you found this place. It awed you, calmed you, and you ended up spending a lot of time here. Nobody lived in this neck of the woods. It was essentially owned by no one, and you really weren't sure if you were trespassing or not. You decided you'd know if someone told you to leave.  
Nobody back at the house knew about this place. If they did, it just wouldn't be as sacred to you.

You pull up in your car, below the hill, out of sight from the top. You walk the rest of the way up, preferring to have no electronic/mechanical blasphemy touch your hill. You bring only yourself and your violin.  
You pull it out, and play as slowly as you can. It straightens your mind. It calms your nerves. It distracts you from pain.

It's so much better than the unforgiving razor.  
Quietly, down where even you can't hear it, your phone is buzzing in the cupholder.  
Thanks to some (probably illegal) code manipulation, Sollux installed Pesterchum onto it.

-[TG] began pestering [EB]-  
TG: john  
TG: im seriously cutting the bullshit here for a minute  
TG: i need to know where you are  
TG: now  
TG: i had to take a piss, so i used your room  
TG: i think i know what you were doing when you left pesterchum last night  
TG: it really wasnt a joke, was it?  
TG: you and karkat  
TG: just please  
TG: dont hurt yourself because were all assholes over here  
TG: john please  
TG: talk to me  
TG: i didnt understand how important people were to you  
TG: especially karkat, i guess  
TG: but now i think i do  
TG: and what we said last night wasnt called for  
TG: you need to know how sorry i am  
TG: john please call me  
TG: i dont care anymore at this point  
TG: i should have realized it earlier  
TG: im pretty good at swaying people with my opinions sometimes  
TG: and i guess i swayed the group  
TG: but honestly i was just jealous of karkat  
TG: but i get it, now  
TG: you really love karkat, and we were just tearing you guys up  
TG: i am so sorry for that  
TG: john  
TG: im really worried now  
TG: im giving you 5 minutes  
TG: if you dont reply, ill call the cops  
TG: just please don't leave because i'm an ass  
TG: because if anything  
TG: well  
TG: i love you, john  
-[TG] ceased pestering [EB]-

Your violin, second to Karkat and old memories with your friends, makes you happier than anything else. It reminds you of a time where it was simple.  
You hammer away with your bow, unaware of your phone, of Dave's worry, of ANYTHING.  
All you know is that you're ready to let go, and be with Karkat, because sometimes if people just make you unhappy to a certain extent, it's time to leave them. Find people that actually make you happy. Learn new things to soothe the old frayed ones.

You are so relaxed right now.

* * *

**Guys. Guys seriously. I'm undeserving of you. Really, how on earth did I manage this kind of luck? I honestly have no clue.**  
**All I know is I'm in your debt, all of you. I owe you my life. **  
**I'm an idiot. A suicidal idiot. But you held a trampoline out for me, and let me lean on you. Now I think it's time for a bounce-back. I'm done with being sad over things I don't want to care about anymore. And guess what? This one girl, who I'm starting to be friends with now, invited me to her birthday party! I hardly know her! I'm branching out, with you guys' encouragement. Thank you SO so much. By no means am I out of my depression, but... I'm healing. And I'm not that little leaf anymore. I think I managed to get severed, because I didn't belong with the stalk, but now, I'm my own plant. I've even got my own leaves! Maybe this spring, I'll bloom into something, something a lot greater than my old potential on that condemning stalk. I think, if I keep going just a little longer, I might even bear fruit from my efforts. I seriously might cry, you guys. You're so kind to me. I love you so much.**

**Also, this might be interesting for you guys, it definitely was for me. It's a beautiful story, inspiring really. Go read dat shit, and be merry. Life's too short to not do as many happy things as possible.**

** www. fictionpress s/3086620/1/The-Water-s-Surface  
For some reason, it's forcing me to enter spaces sporadically in this. Essentially, though, if you highlight the text, and drag it up into your area your tabs are kept on your computer, it will take the spaces out for you, as well as immediately set up a new tab for the story.**

**Best wishes from my writing to yours!  
****~hendrixthenicecow**


	17. Hell's Hill and Healing Help

(Oh shit, sorry in advance, this is about the size of four updates. In one. Including a long ass author's note. Sorry! But I hope you enjoy it anyway.)

Dave's Perspective**

It had been 5 minutes. 6 and a half, to be precise. You slam your phone into your pocket, and ram your body into clothes and a jacket. You're out the hallway, up the stairs, and banging on Karkat's closed door in 15 seconds. You throw the door open instead of trying to be polite anymore. Karkat is in a confused stupor in his bed, still rubbing his eyes and stretching from the rude awakening.  
"Dave, what the fuck?" he grumbles.  
"Karkat, get up right now. You and John weren't kidding, I get that, but unless we do something soon, he's gonna kill himself."

His eyes open wide, and he immediately throws the covers off of him.  
"What the fuck do you mean, Strider," he asks, looking you directly in the eyes. You open your palm so he can see the metal threat. His head imperceptibly starts shaking back and forth.  
"He left early this morning, and woke me up. I was going to use his bathroom, but I found this," you say, talking faster and faster, "and I don't know where he is. Where would he go?"

Karkat starts babbling. "I-I don't know! Fuck, John!" Then he gets angry. A fist is clenched by his side, and quickly connects with your jaw. Your fist instinctively tightens on the razor, and your hand gets slippery.  
"Why the fuck do you think John is suicidal, anyway? Because he fucking loved me? No! It's because his best friends, and only friends, treated him like wet dog shit!" Karkat is advancing on you, his form looming over you angrily.

The verbal blows are nothing compared to your own self guilt.  
"You think I don't know that?" you ask, wiping at your mouth with your left hand. "You think I don't feel like shit for it?"  
"I don't care WHAT the fuck you think anymore. Where did you see John go?" He stands with his arms folded, and you pick yourself off the ground. "He took the west road. I don't know where he'd want to go in that direction, though."

"I do." You both turn to face the new voice.  
Sollux leans against Karkat's doorframe. "It'th not ath hard ath you would think to track a car. C'mon," he says, quickly walking back out into the hallway. You both follow him, and he leads you to his bedroom. Two screens of his computer set are fired up, and on one of them, you see a scratchy video of the interior of John's car. On the other, you see a map with a pulsating red dot. It appears to be smack dab in... the middle of nowhere.  
"That'th John."  
"Why the fuck are we waiting, then! John could already be dead for all we know!"

Dave sprints out of the room, and you hear his loud footsteps down the stairs reverberate through the second floor. Terezi's head appears in Sollux's doorway. "Guys, what's going on?"  
"I don't know, but I don't like it."

* * *

Sollux's Perspective**

Karkat storms out of the room, and you hear him confronted by some of the other trolls. Terezi stays with you in the room.  
"TZ, I think now'th gonna be a really confrontantional time. John left earlier becauth he wath thtrethed, but he woke Dave up. Dave thinkth John ith thuithidal, and they're chathing after him like numbnutth. John really jutht wantth to be alone, though. I can't tell them that without letting them know that I literally know EVERYTHING that'th been going on."  
"So what's going to happen, you think?" She crackles out, peering at your screen and sniffing cautiously.  
"Well, they know where he ith, now. I think they're gonna find him, and everything ith jutht gonna thpill. Be cautiouth for feelingth today."  
"Sure thing," she says, and departs.

* * *

Dave's Perspective**

You swear, if Karkat doesn't get in the damn car, you'll leave his sorry ass right here. You incessantly blare the horn for a straight 10 seconds, and a blustery Karkat appears at the door.  
"Hold your sweet fucking horses!" He screams as he dives into the car, and you're off. You got the location from Sollux's computer before you left.

"Okay, so he's up on that hill. When we get there, we tell John how important he is to us."  
"Funny how that's what I WAS doing, and was SHOWING HIM until you assfucks made us pretend to break up."  
"Karkat, what if you two had broken up."  
"Yeah? And if we had?"  
"Then that would have been incredibly awkward for EVERYONE else! Why would you be that selfish?"  
"Because, you fucking moron, we understand that love isn't selfish, and you breaking us up was the only selfish thing. And you know what? I don't think the awkwardness is what's upsetting you, you little prick. You're jealous," Karkat says, glaring at you.  
Talk about a hammer hitting the nail on the head.

"...Fine, Karkat, what? Does it make you happier? I'm fucking jealous of you," you say as you put on your blinker to get on the interstate. John's about a two hour drive out. This was gonna be a long drive.  
"No, you dipshit! It makes me even sadder! You were his closest fucking friend, he told me he trusted you almost as much as he trusted his Dad! And look now, you made him want to kill himself!"  
"Shut the fuck up, Karkat!"  
"No! Not until you understand just how selfish you were by making him conform to what YOU wanted him to do, instead of being A FRIEND, LIKE HE NEEDED!"  
"Karkat, don't say another damn word!"  
"And why not, assfuck? Are you afraid to hear the truth?"  
"No, I'm afraid that if we keep this up, neither of us are actually going to make it to John in one piece. Like it or not, John's silly ass emotions care about us, so if we're gone, so is he, so SHUT. UP."

Karkat stares out the window for a few long seconds.  
"Dave, all I'm gonna say is, John and I are going to date. I don't care if you're real friends to us now or not, because we're not going to stop being happy for you fuckers."

The fact you really hate about all of this is that he's actually making a lot of damn sense. You were the ones to make them break up. They were pretty happy together. You were just a jealous bitch with a vengeance to break up your crush from their crush.  
"...Karkat?"  
"What now."  
"...I'm really sorry."

The fact that he hasn't responded yet either means he wants you to keep talking, or he's surprised. "I... just really want you and John to be happy. I'll step back, I swear. I never thought it would go this far. And yeah, I guess you're fucking right. I'm a jealous mess, and I didn't have no right to get between you two."  
Still no response.  
"I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I could be the one John would be happier with. I'm sorry."  
"...Thanks, I guess."  
You raise an eyebrow and turn to him.  
He looks back at you.

"What?" He growls.  
"You're just going to accept my apology like that? The King of Grump?"  
"Don't you dare fucking call me that."  
"Karkat, you are the grumpiest grump I've ever met, okay?"  
"I don't give a damn. I just... guess I should say thank you. You're being honest, and not full of edgy bullshit for once. So I'm thankful."  
"And you accept the apology?"  
"Yeah, I guess. I still could sock you in the jaw for the asshole things you said to John last night, and the fucking awful way you've been treating us. You gave us the cold shoulder, you confronted us as a group, you fucking make us act like it was all a big joke," he says, listing them off on his fingers as he goes.

You mentally cringe. You were really an asshole, and honestly? If Karkat accepted you, this would be an act of mercy.  
"...but John cares about you, even if you're the worst scum to ever reflect light into my pupils. And everyone screws up. So... yeah. I forgive you," he says, turning to look you in the eyes. You keep your eyes on the road for a second, then glance over at him, and remove your shades from your face. Even Karkat sees this as a pretty rare act, and his eyes widen, but his eyebrows lower even more in confusion.  
"Thank you. I know I don't deserve it at this point. But you guys are gonna go far," you say, looking back at the road. "You balance each other... better than we would have," you sigh.  
"Hey," Karkat says, realizing the moment is about to be over, "don't get all mopey on me. Trust me, I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I advise people in relationships. You just have to find someone who compliments you back."  
You're silent.

This was going to take a lot of long nights to get over. John was your everything.  
But now that he wasn't yours... _as he never was_, your mind corrects... now what?

* * *

John's Perspective**

A quite long time has passed since you left this morning. You're still blindly away, stringing together melodies that you had never heard before. You weren't even paying attention to your sore arms, you just wanted music, and you wanted it now. Beneath the sad notes,  
though, you hear an engine. You'd never heard an engine this far out before, though. It's only getting louder. Eventually, you realize, it's left the road, and it's coming to meet you.  
"What on earth?" You can catch a glimpse of the bright red sports car here and there between the trees.  
"Oh shiiiiit..." you mutter. Dave's coming.

Wait, how on Earth did he find you?  
You stand up and walk down the hill, approaching the car. He parks near your Rav, and jumps out of the car like it's on fire, sprinting at you.  
"Dave!" You screech as he comes even closer, and you drop your violin. He bear hugs you harder than anyone you've ever been hugged by, his left arm completely encircling you, his right encircling your neck. It's now you can feel his chest convulsing, and you realize something really fucked is happening. He's crying.

You can hear (and see) Karkat thrashing in the passenger seat before you realize the belt buckle has him trapped. "Karkat! Dave! What are you both doing here!"  
"John!" Karkat calls, finally releasing himself, and he's hugging you as hard as Dave is, and then you realize things are even MORE fucked, because Karkat and Dave are indirectly hugging each other.  
Dave throws himself forcefully away from you, effectively backing Karkat off too, and grabs your left arm. He throws the sleeve up, feeling your exposed wrist. "Dave, what's going o-"  
He investigates your right wrist too.

"John?" Dave asks, looking into your eyes. He's not wearing his shades, and his color beneath his eyes matches his irises. They are both crying, their breaths heaving their bodies.  
"Oh my god, what's wrong?!" you screech, finally losing patience.  
They both give you a lighter hug, and you finally get an explanation: "John, did you not get my texts?"  
"Uh, no, sorry, I've been up there," you say, pointing to the hill, "playing my violin since, like, 7:00 or so. Why?"  
"Well," he says, exchanging glances with Karkat, "you woke me up when you left this morning, and I had to pee, so I used your room. I saw your bathroom counter..."

Oh god. He saw the blade...

"And we didn't know where you were going, and we didn't know if you were okay, you fuckass!" Karkat yells, hugging you again, this time tighter. "I was so scared that you were just gonna... leave, you know? Like, the permanent leave."  
He thought you were going to suicide.

"Oh god, no, no no no," you say, finally returning the hug with equal vigor. "I would never. Why would I be so upset to do that?"  
"John, stop pretending for a minute. I know you really love Karkat," Dave says. You share a quick glance with Karkat.  
"Dave, we told you-"  
"John, he knows."  
"Oh."

You are so confused.

"Then why do you still even care, Dave. Why are you here? You care about keeping me, but not letting me be happy?" You say, starting to get angry. You clench your fists by your sides, and the pressure of your nails alieviates some of the pressing rage. "You knew I actually cared for Karkat? What the fuck, Dave? I thought you were my friend! Get out of here!"  
"John-"  
"John stop! You need to hear Dave out!"  
"And why should I? For past friendship reasons? To hear another rant of why what we're doing is wrong, selfish, and will tear everyone else up?"

"No, I don't deserve your mercy for that, John," Dave sighs. "Listen to me because I'm sorry, though."  
Now he's got your attention.  
"John, you need to know that I never wanted this to happen, and I never wanted you to feel like shit because you love someone. If anyone deserves that, it's me. Because... I love you John. Yeah, the homo way. And," he continues, blushing like no one's business, "I let my jealousy go too far, and sway too many people. And... you guys are perfect for each other. I just didn't want to see my last chance to be SOMETHING special to you slip away. And, yeah, for my actions, I don't deserve any friendship with you anymore. I just wanted to let you know that I'd step down."

Well you didn't expect that.  
You step forward. You wrap your arms around the poor fool. "Dave, that really means a lot. And you know what?"  
"What."  
"I wasn't right for you anyway."  
"What?"  
"Nope. I wasn't. I'm not cool enough for your Stride," you say, and you feel his grin spreading on your shoulder. "A lowly peasant like me can't be here macking on the King of Cool!"  
"King of Cool my ass. More like the side-stepping knight of the biznasty."  
"Sure, then."  
"But knight of the biznasty, one more thing."  
"Yeah?"  
"If you ever make me fake break up again, I'll smack you a good one."  
"Well said," he sighs, and you feel him tighten his grip for a minute, then step back. "Hey listen. Now that you're safe, I guess I should head back, give you lovebirds some space. I'll catch up with you later, alright?"  
"Oh no no no," you say, tugging the back of his collar. Karkat begins snickering. "You're not going away that quickly. If you're really my friend, and I might be being WAY too eager to accept you back, but seriously, palhanchos and boyfriends are both really important to me. I would never kick you away or something just because you're trying to get some time in with me too. Given, we will want to be alone sometimes, but right now, I need both of you. Okay? Wanna come up to the hill and hear me play? I've been working more on this new piece titled: "_Bullshit I don't Remember_"."

Karkat and Dave share a glance together, and they both come nod. You give both of them each another hug, whispering in their ears how much they mean to you, then race up the hill to get your dropped violin.  
"Last one up the hill has to drive home alone!" You call.

Dave chuckles and shoves Karkat down, then sprints up to chase after John, a chorus of good-natured profanities follows him.  
Suddenly, things don't look too bad. You're really thankful you cut your foot, not your wrists, or things could have ended up a lot worse. You think you'll just keep your foot a secret, for now.

* * *

**OH MY GOD, THIS IS JUST, WOW, WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME**  
**Oh well. I guess it just goes to prove: you write your own happy endings. If you want something to get done, just go do it. Ugh. I'm pretty much done with the story, really, I've got about 3 more things to throw in (one personally, I think it's pretty cute), but then, I guess, my story is done. We all move on? I don't know. I'm seriously not being melodramatic when I say that this story, and all you beautiful reader input, has changed my life. I have not read a single bad thing in the comments (preferably it stays that way too), and I am really really grateful. You guys lifted me up and made me feel worth something when all I felt like was shit, when all I would do was focus on how sad I was, and when all anyone else could do was hold my hand, not actually comfort me. Now, I'm so much better than before. And guys, I owe it to you. Nobody that I know of has the strength to soley get out of their own depression. When my counselor heard what a help this story was for me, I think it changed her thoughts of the internet as well. No longer is it the place of obnoxious 50-year old men that have nothing better to do than harass and stalk children, but it can heal people. Such NICE people exist here, even in the little cranny of folk that read shitty stories like these. And if anything, I would personally come up to you and shake each of your hands. Tell you how much you made me feel better. Wonder to myself if I could EVER make up such a thing. But you can't, and I can't shake your hands. So I'll settle for thank you, thank you, thank you. You truly all are beautiful in your personalities. I hope this resolution is at least partially satisfying, I mean, it's not over, but still, this is pretty much the climax. Dave apologized! I see that as an improvement for John and Karkat. **  
**Is there any particular thing you guys want to see happen? I know I usually roll with either something that develops with my personal situation (which is also settling, for once) or if I really want something to come up. But now, that things are coming down, I think ideas are nice! **  
**I'll use credit, of course, and I might tweak things if I see some potential awesomeness in it, but otherwise, I'm completely open. I'm just ready to move on. Read into that as you will XD**  
**But seriously. I'm just done. Tired. Out. Whatever. But I would gladly do anything to make you guys smile, if only to make up for the shreds of happiness you gave to me as I cried myself to sleep at night in fear of having no one to trust, or wondered what was going to happen to my girlfriend and I as I crumbled. Because I think I'm... happier now. In a way. Even if I don't trust anyone. Because, in wise words a little bird told me, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. And, just because as a follower I know being highlighted makes me feel special, I'm highlighting those of you who made me smile as I watched my little inbox tell me I had a new review.**

**AmalyaSoramuni- Bro, your tumblr stuff is hilarious, by the way. But seriously. You were probably one of the first to notice the pain I was going through as I was writing this, and throughout the whole thing, you told me to keep holding on. And I have. For you guys. You made me smile, and that was pretty hard to come by since I was so sad and ticked off with almost everyone around me. You kept me going. Thank you.**

**musicalBlink- Oh man. You actually didn't just make me smile, you made me CRACK UP sometimes with how forcefully you backed me up. I mean, yeah, I was upset with my ex-friends, but you don't even personally know them, and you'd call them all assholes for me. You were always following even if you didn't comment on every dang chapter, and your loyalness was something I had been lacking, as of late. You too, thank you.**

**littlemisssciencefiction- I think you only commented a few times, but still. Dang. You made me not really smile, but you gave me some understanding, and you really connected with me. And yeah, it's a pretty bad situation, and no, I don't know if anyone really will understand, but I think you came pretty darn close. For that, thank you.**

**anonymousOnyx- Oh man, you have to give yourself a break! You are most certainly not annoying. Anyone willing to give up some of their time just to let me know they care means a lot to me. You made me feel like I could talk to you, like it was a priviledge to see your name in the comments, even! Thank you, so much.**

**Arualiaa- You commented maybe twice, but still, you had a lot of meaning in your words. Your spanish proverb struck a chord with me. It makes so much sense. Also, thank you for offering me your time. Maybe one day, I'll take you up on your offer. You are so kind, being able to tolerate my awful rants and whatnot. I am so thankful. Thank you.**

**darkgirl43255- Oh bro. You reviewed like, over 5 times, do you realize how happy that made me? I mean, a loyal ass follower, wow. I was not expecting that. Your comments always made me happy, too. I mean, you were understanding, and always looked forward to my crap writing. Thank you. You made me smile.**

**Cylonblaze- Hah, I'm glad at least my writing wasn't boring! I'm glad you liked the story, and could read it two different ways: my real story, or John and Karkat's fake one. It's kind of an overwhelming process to see it as real people hurting, and since you did, you took that for me. I never asked this, of any of you, but you were willing to to make me feel okay. Thank you.**

**Inuyashagirl312- I don't know if you're still reading this. Maybe? Anyway, thank you for reviewing. Any review, even just a few syllables was enough to make me feel the need to write more, but your reviews were especially encouraging. Thank you.**

**And then to all of you who might not have stepped up and actually said anything: thank you. I know you're probably out there, silently cheering me on (or jeering me down, whatever), but thank you. I don't care if you do or don't review. You cared enough to read. That's enough for me. Thank you. I don't care if I've listed your name here or not, if you even actually read the story or not. Suggest me to friends, WHATEVER, I think I'd like to make publicly known that I'm like a sort of hotline. I'll talk to anyone and everyone about anything and everything, (confidentially, of course) and I'd like to ease some of your pain. Even if I can't know you personally, I'd like to make even the smallest change in your life. The smallest things, like this story and your continued support, pulled me through. I love you all. Goodnight.  
Best of wishes from my writing to yours,  
~hendrixthenicecow**


	18. Epilogue

Epilogue

John's Perspective**  
There's always, always something more.  
When you know someone's favorite color, the places they want to travel to, their favorite food, and all their other silly quirks, there's still always more. John and Karkat had achieved that.

Hell yes, it took some smoothing over, but their old friends hesitantly came back. Of course it wasn't to the caliber it used to be, though. No, it was definitely more than that. It was the sorrow, of what they felt, and how they just wanted to believe something to be right, and how genuinely terrified they were to lose them.  
When he and Karkat told them about their plans as to they would have left to get an apartment together, had they still resented them for dating, they were mortified.

By themselves.

That was probably their greatest achievement. They got their friends to understand that they loved them, but also their boyfriends. And... no one cared. It was fantastic. Well, of course they cared, but... not in the bad way. They were finally fighting for what John and Karkat wanted. And it was great.

John smiles as he leans over to a disgruntled Karkat, who was previously watching the television, and quickly snaps a picture of both of them; John smiling, Karkat shocked.  
He quickly uploads it to his facebook wall before his boyfriend could make him delete it.

* * *

Dave's Perspective**

3 months, it's been. They haven't been your easiest, either. You sigh as you aimlessly scroll down your facebook wall in Keplan's Diner.  
Ding.  
John just posted a picture to his wall.  
You click it.

It's another of him and Karkat. You smile. He's happy again.  
You sigh heavily again, alerting your waiter over.

"Sir, you okay?" He asks. His dark hair and big pupils seem genuine.  
"It's just been a rough while," you say, laying your phone on the counter face-down, and run a hand through your hair and over your face. Your glasses shift slightly.  
"Well, I, uh," he begins, and you pay more attention at his stutter. Observing closer, his overbite rivals John's actually. "I just notice you've been in here a lot, looking a little downcast, chap. Care for some company?"

Who could it hurt.

"Sure," you say. Before you know it, he's scurried past the employee door, and is taking the barstool to your right. He engages you in some polite conversation. Before you know it, it's been an hour and a half, and you already know his favorite music, his crazy sister, Jane, and his late ex- a guy named Dirk.

His boss comes out, looking a little perturbed. "Son, why aren't you working?"  
"Sorry, Ross, just taking a quick break," the waiter stutters, sheepishly cowering closer to you.

"Yeah, well it's time for this lad to go, anyway. We've been closed for the past 15 minutes."  
Yeah, it was dark outside and no one was in there except for you three. You were oblivious.

He turns to you. "Sorry, Dave," he says, turning to face behind you, "I guess you have to leave."  
You...  
something's changing in you. You really, *really* want to stay.  
"I'll just have to come back," you say nonchalantly. He blushes something awful, though, and runs quickly to grab something under the cash register.

It's a small card.  
"Here, it's got my hours and cell on it. Hit me up sometime, you're interesting and lonely," he says, smiling wide.  
You take it and immediately pocket it.  
"Will do," you grin, and exit the shop. You swear you feel his eyes on you the whole way out.  
About halfway back to your car (which you left in the park) you actually take it out to examine it.

As much as you didn't like to say it, you know you'd be seeing a lot of this guy, better know his name...  
Jake English.

Well, Jake English, I hope you like Strider company, you mumble to yourself as you hop in your car and soak in the rare feelings of content and happiness washing over you.

* * *

End

* * *

**Weeeeelll? Did I wait long enough for the end? Was the epilogue satisfying? Geepers. I hope so. Sorry the wait was monstrosive, anyway. I'm so much happier than I was a few months ago. And I'm just... glad it's smoothed over. Thank you all so, so much. I love each and every one of you. (No, my old friends didn't come back. I wouldn't have willingly been friends with those meatbags anyway. I found much better people by just being patient, and accepting.)**  
**No joke. **  
**Best wishes from my writing to yours, **  
**~hendrixthenicecow**


End file.
